Ok dear (wife bad)
People never believe me when I tell them that I got my incredibly detailed tattoo in Spain.
Nobody expects the spanish ink precision
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on their ships?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the Bible correctly:
"A man who lays with another man should be stoned." [Leviticus 20:13 esv]
If you’re questioning your sexuality…
You probably aren't thinking straight.
I finally found out what causes random out of place boners
Subliminal thots
I broke my finger at work today…
On the other hand, everything is OK
My Buddhist friend was stopped by a Christian
They asked if she would consider following the word of Jesus Christ. She replied, โno thanks, but maybe next time around.โ
Guy gets accidentally shot by the celebratory fire for his release from prison
https://ift.tt/2VvYDMp
I love how the Earth rotates
It makes my day
One day left.
My father was ill and the doctor said he had only one day left to live. I was truly sad and was walking outside when I saw a wishing well. Taking my chances I threw in a quarter and wished his life would be extended. A r/jokes mod genie appeared out of the well and said " I hear your wish my son, and for everyday there is a new, fresh joke posted on r/jokes, your father will be granted another full week of life." His funeral is this Saturday.
What would you get if a dinosaur kicked you in the backside?
A mega sore ass.
If I had a nickel for everytime I failed a math test.
I'd have 83 cents
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor the first day I was hired.
Deep down, I realized it wasnโt for me.
Whatโs the difference between a fish, guitar, and a pot of glue?
โYou can tune a guitar but you canโt tune a fishโ โWhat about the pot of glueโ โI knew youโd get stuck on thatโ
I accidentally locked myself in a room with nothing but a deck of cards..
I was in solitaire confinement.
Did you hear about the atheist charity?
It was a non-prophet organization!
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?[NSFW]
Smallpox HAPPY TURKEY DAY!
The cashier scanned my condoms then asked if I needed a bag.
I said, "Naw, she isn't that ugly."
Up next: How to sound good in a band. Stay Tuned!!
No text found
I love jokes about the eyes
The cornea the better
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
People wonder why I call my toilet โthe Jimโ instead of โthe John.โ
I do it so I can say โI go to the Jim first thing every morning.โ
During a parole hearing.
Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early? Prisoner: It's bec… Officer: Yes? Prisoner: I think i have… Officer: Go on. Prisoner: Can i please finish my sentence! Officer: Sure, Parole denied.
My construction company failed after a competitor started a viscous rumor that I build houses without a foundation
It was a baseless accusation
I was walking along the other day and stepped in dog shit.
As I was wiping my shoe, I watched another guy also step in it. I said to him "I just did that". He walked over, punched me in the face and screamed, "You disgusting bastard!".
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
Whenever I eat burnt toast it makes me feel sick.
I guess Iโm just black toast intolerant.
Sadly, I’ve lost 20% of my sight
Sigh…..
What goes with the Coronavirus?
Lyme Disease
The zip code for Beverly Hills is 90210. This zip code for Dawson’s Creek is 90108…
For my liiifffeee to be oveeeerrrr!
Several scientists were all posed the following question: โWhat is 2 * 2 ?โ
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces, โ3.99โ The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces, โIt lies between 3.98 and 4.02โ The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces, โI don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!โ Philosopher smiles, โBut what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?โ Logician replies, โPlease define 2 * 2 more precisely.โ The sociologist, โI don't know, but is was nice talking about it.โ Behavioral Ecologist, โA polygamous mating system.โ Medical Student, โ4โ All others looking astonished, โHow did you know ?โ Medical Student, โI memorized it.โ
A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, โFather,may I ask a favor?โ
โOf course child. What can I do for you?โ โWell, I bought an expensive womanโs electric hair dryer for my Motherโs birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and Iโm afraid theyโll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps? โI would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.โ โWith your honest face, Father, no one will question you.โ When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.. The official asked, โFather, do you have anything to declare?โ โFrom the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.โ The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, โAnd what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?โ โI have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.โ Roaring with laughter, the official said, โGo ahead, Father. Next!
What did the tectonic plate say when it bumped into another tectonic plate?
Sorry, that's my fault.
Whats the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
My son asked, “Dad, what are condoms for?”
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.