OK. I admit it. I’m an unemployed leather worker.
I’ve got nothing to hide.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well this isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
When I was at the pool yesterday, I began peeing in the deep end
The lifeguard blew his whistle so hard I almost fell in
Why do potatoes make great crime fighters?
Because they always keep their eyes peeled.
Man with authority walks into a bar…
…and orders everyone a round.
What do Mexico and Canada have in common?
They both border on stupidity.
“You are under arrest for downloading the whole of Wikipedia!”
“Wait, I can explain everything.”
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll…
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blonde hair. We begged him to dye it black, but he refused. After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
Why did the student Google all the topics related to his essay twice?
Because he was asked to research.
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society. After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple? "Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch".
What do baristas in space get paid with?
Starbucks
dating me
pros and cons of dating me pros : dating cons: me
Sex with a robot is awful…
He just nuts and bolts
What did the farmer do when he lost his wife?
He tractored down.
What’s the worst part of working for the department of unemployment?
When you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
John F Kennedy was just “John Kennedy” From May 29, 1917 To November 21, 1963
They only added the F after he died
I heard about a cult that worships the number zero.
Is nothing sacred?
My boyfriend and I always laugh about how competitive we are
But I laugh harder
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
what did batman say to robin before they got in the batmobile?
“robin, get in the batmobile”
What’s the difference between a kiss and anal sex?
A kiss will make your day, but anal will make your hole weak.
I come to this sub when I’m on the toilet.
Just for shits and giggles.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
No text found
Seriously, why must most these things always suck? Especially Netflix and Max
Seriously, why must most these things always suck? Especially Netflix and Max
I’ve created a new word
Plagiarism (thanks to my 11 year old for that one!)
“Knock-knock.” “Who’s there?” “Hatch.”
"Hatch who?" "Bless you!" Source: my 6yo at dinner tonight
Sometimes I’ll order a pizza without any toppings…
When I'm feeling saucy.
I hate it when people think they can just waltz into my room..
When what I’m listening to is clearly in 4/4
My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine…
So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever…
Religion is like a penis.
It's fine to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around… and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my child's throat.
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
I once made a belt out of $50 bills
It was a waist of money
Why do fish do bad in school?
They are bellow the C level.