Ok I know it’s stupid
My wife had a hard day at work, so I drew her a warm bath…
She didn't really appreciate the sketch and threw it away…
When I was in college, I was rejected by all fraternities because I was circumcised.
Apparently you needed to be a complete dick.
The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger.
I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
What is a horse’s favorite kind of wine ?
Caberneigh…
If a woman sleeps with ten men she’s a slut.
But if a man does the same thing, he’s gay. Like really gay.
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet
I don’t know y
Very few people know about the first ever female vegan
Nobody has heard of herbivore
“That’s what.” – She
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There are so many beautiful castles in Wales, but I only had time to visit one.
I chose Caerphilly.
Never have a pillow fight with Death.
Unless you're ready to handle those reaper cushions.
bert: “do you want some ice cream?”
ernie: "sherbert"
Everyone knows that the zip code for Beverly Hills is 90210 thanks to the show, but not as many people know the zip code to Dawson’s Creek.
It’s 90108 …for our lives to be over…
Why aren’t school shooting jokes funny?
They’re too easy a target, and aimed at a very young audience..
Did you hear the one about Oedipus and Midas?
It was motherfucking gold.
Why don’t female roommates share a bra?
Because then it'll become a cobra.
I for one like Roman numerals.
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I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
I threw my iPhone into a lake the other day and…
…it’s still syncing.
BREAKING: North Korean Leader in vegetative state following surgery.
They're going to start calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
Yesterday I went to temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo.
But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
People are making apocalypse jokes
like there's no tomorrow.
Are you tired of boiling water every time you make pasta?!
Just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later!!
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
I didn’t understand why some people are into incest porn
then I remembered that taste is relative.
Guys who try to pick up girls through Reddit are pathetic
Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.
A screenshot of a SCREENSHOT of a boomer meme that arrived in my inbox this morning
https://ift.tt/399tpzc
On the last episode of Forged in Fire, a contestant made a blade the cut 4 loaves of bread in just one slice. . .
Now that's what you call a 4 loaf cleaver.
A guy gets hit by a car.
He wakes up in the hospital with the nurse right next to him. The guy asks if he'll be ok, and the nurse replies with yes. The nurse asks "You'll need to pay for your stay here, which comes to about 20 grand. Do you have enough money?" The guy replies "No, unfortunately, money is tight for me." The nurse asks "well do you have any relatives that could help you pay?" The guy says "No, my only living relative is my sister. She's an un-married nun." The nurse interrupts and says "Actually, nuns are married to God." The guys goes "Ok then, send the bill to my brother-in-law."
My wife always screams during sex
But, it’s usually when I walk in
A girl reached into my pants today and said
I know there is a joke here but I can't find it.
My grandad always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”.
A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.