My wife asked my if sex has changed since I got my vasectomy
I just tell her I hadn't noticed a vas deferens
What does a frog do with a piece of paper?
Rip it! 6 year old son just came up with this. I'm sure he's not the first to think of it, but he came up with it on his own and i got a good chuckle out of it. 🙂
At least the toddler is putting in some effort.
*insert flushed emoji*
Why did the pianist get arrested?
Because he was fingering minors.
Well He is right
If you die from inhaling muffler fumes…
Do you die from exhaustion?
Stack overflow the savior
I think this will have to be my new favorite shirt.
Ferris wheel? 😆
QUARANTINE IS OVER!
Wife dead, penis big
Wow, I just passed my probability exam.
What were the chances of that?
Putin visits Estonia
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
Mom is never wrong
My husband once bought me a dress two sizes too small to encourage me to lose weight so I could fit into it.
When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it." So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.
Let’s hear it for the boy
A wine to solve old people problems
The Scroll of Truth Never Lies!
What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is when you use a feather, kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
My dad used to say “when one door closes another one opens”
He's a great man… Rubbish cabinet maker though.
am I right?
Sounds about right!
Low-level vs High-level
A Nun is very distraught…
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. 'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.' 'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.' 'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?' 'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!' 'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!' 'Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight !' 'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!' 'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother. 'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!' 'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile. 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!' Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said.. 'You missed the Goddamn putt, didn't you?'
[NSFW] Squeeze and Tug
A husband and wife were lying in bed trying to decide how to tell when the other one wanted to do the deed. The wife turned to the husband and said, “If I’m in the mood to get frisky, I’ll put your hand on my boob. If you too are in the mood, squeeze once for yes. If not, squeeze twice for no.” The husband said, “And if I’m interested, I’ll put your hand on my penis. All you have to do is tug once for yes, and tug 537 times for no.”
we’ll we’ll we’ll…
…if it isn’t autocorrect.
I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.
Always walkin around like they rent the place.
I was going to post a time travel joke but…..
Nobody thought it was funny.
A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog who was drowning…
After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"
My chemistry teacher asked me :
Teacher: What’s the monomer of rubber? Me: Is it monobber?
A teenager, who just turned 18, desperately wants a car.
His mother tells him to buy one himself. A chemistry student himself, he finds an effective money-making strategy. Every day, he would sell mixtures of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tennssine, and he was earning a lot from the sales. Curious, his mother asks him about the mixtures. The teen replied: RePOsTs are the fastest way to car, Ma.
Haha, married sex, am I right?
My dog is really good at playing fetch
I think I’m going to promote him to branch manager
What do you call a 3.14m long snake?
yeah, that’s fine
Undefined reference to main.
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm.
She had the nerve to spit it out on the floor.
Why is it so hard to find pain killers in the jungle?
Because the parrots eat 'em all.
Employee? Yes… that is what they used to call me.
this is concerning
What do you call a rude grape?
I tried cooking one time, on the plus side I got a nice sunroof now…
Outlasted the expectations
I’d make a Sodium joke but……Na
No text found
Trump Presidency in a nutshell
Fastest way to annoy a Trump fan is to quote Trump.
Mom just sent me this. I thought it belonged here.
We’ll we’ll we’ll
If it isn't autocorrect
Sad music plays
I’m an unapologetic Canadian
I'm sorry, I just am
Take off the hat
Here’s what our developer friends are thinking.!
Not dad jokes…. it’s jokes on dad
Nurse: I'm sorry sir, your dad is pronounced dead. Son:I can't believe I'm pronouncing it wrong all this time.
I asked my father if he could leave his guitar collection to my children when he passes
He said that's music to his heirs
“Don’t play with your food, Kevin!”
This one hurts
My wife said that I act like a detective too much and that she wants to split up.
I told her good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
Grandma’s been staring through the window ever since it started to snow.
If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.
They finally invented a golf ball that uses GPS signal to locate the hole, and then roll in.
Just dont put it your back pocket.
We all know Albert Einstein was a great man…
… but his brother Frank was a monster.
Nobody has ever trusted me with anything before… I think there’s a reason for that…
There was company that sold sex toys to aliens.
It was SpaceXXX.
Do you know the English programming language?