Ok then, don’t if you don’t want to
Ye Ol’Chemist had a lab,
ene-yne-ene-yne-one
Hey, Flatearther, wanna play basketball?
tosses him a frisbee
Eat a garlic clove with every meal to stop the Coronavirus
It won't do anything to protect you from getting sick, but people will stay six feet away
Wouldn’t it be ironic if Trump was brought down
By a virus from China , named after a Mexican beer?
Why did the wizard seductively kiss his girlfriend below the jawline?
He was a neck romancer.
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
I’m not going to spread it!
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you.
Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
What do you call a deaf gynecologist
A lip reader
A few days ago, I told a lady on the bus she had semen on the back of her shirt.
She told me, "Probably just some yogurt." Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt.
Why did Adolf Hitler yell at the waiter ?
He hated the juice.
Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.
I can’t deal with high maintenance women.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.
Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. Before you know it, they're getting down to it. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"
I once told a joke…
… about Chinese people and the Corona Virus. An overly sensitive and overweight female co-worker said that just because I'm Asian, doesn't mean that the joke wasn't racist… I asked her, "So if i tell a race joke, does it mean I'm a racist?" She responded, "Yes, telling a joke based on a race makes you a racist!" I then asked, "What if i told a fat joke? Would that make me a fatist?" She thought for a while before replying… "Well, yes… that would make you a fatist…" I looked at her and replied, "No, you're the fattest!"
Why doesn’t it hurt to get hit with a soda?
They’re soft drinks.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes.
That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes
Bashing a witness at the impeachment hearing for wearing his military uniform?
https://ift.tt/2OFOglR
So I had an interview last year
The interviewer: You answers should be quick Me: Ok Interviewer: what is 1490/52? Me:quick
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"
I have a fear of numbers which aren’t the ratio of two integers.
It's really irrational.
NSFW. What’s the difference between a Budweiser and a clitoris?
A clitoris only tastes like piss for a second.
I’m reading a horror book written in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”
The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
Storm Ciara
I just asked Siri "surely it's still not going to be stormy tomorrow?" Siri replied, "yes it will be and don't call me Shirley" Realised my phone was in Airplane mode
A father decides to buy a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test the robot at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. The boy said "I did my homework." The robot slaps him. "Okay, okay! I watched a movie at my friend's house" said the boy. "What movie did you watch?" asked the father. The boy said "Toy Story." The Robot slapped him. "Okay, okay! We watched porn!" said the boy. "What?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was!" said the father. The robot slapped him. The mother laughed "Well, he certainly is your son!" The robot slapped her.
I made these propaganda posters to help clear up some of the administration’s messaging
https://ift.tt/2YcFsu4
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
Has anyone heard “Duvet Know it’s Christmas?”
It's a cover version.
What’s the difference between children and lesbians?
Children shouldn't run with scissors and Lesbians shouldn't scissor with the runs
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?”
I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
“Can someone give an example of things that are useless?” The teacher asked.
Me: raises hand Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?