Ok who else had Hurricane Arthur on their card for June?
Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?
This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.
I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.
My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors. Started my car, let it run. I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”. The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
My Uber passenger texted me before I pulled up to the pin…
I receive a ping 3 miles away as I’m approaching the ping I get a text “ honk your horn excessively until I come outside when you get to xxx address I’ll tip $20”. So I pull up to the pin and start blowing my horn for a solid min. My passenger comes out looking a little annoyed he gets in and we head to his destination. We pull up to his house and his dad is standing outside waiting for him, he greets him and asked how his ride was, he said the drive was great but the fucker blew his horn non stop until I came outside. His dad said that’s weird and handed me a $20.
What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
Saint Nickel-less!
Flight attendant stop the bus I’m sea sick!
Sir you are on a train
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar…
Now don't tell me that's just a coincidence.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
My brother who has a stutter is in prison.
It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the no bell prize.
Did you hear about the atheist who couldn’t use exponents?
He didn’t believe in higher powers.
I never liked myself with facial hair…
but since I stopped shaving this beard has been growing on me.
My roommate says our house is haunted
I've been living here for 300 years and i havnt noticed shit.
Only Anti-Vaxxers will get this
Measels
The first joke my 3yo self ever made
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom. My dad remembers me being really proud of it and telling everyone, haha!
STDs are a lot like Pokemon…
It's hard to catch them all, but once you do, the game is pretty much over.
A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.”
The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?” The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in…
When I show people my step ladder I always tell them in a sad voice,
“I never knew my real ladder.”
The doctor told me my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again…
I can't tell you how upset I am!
Is buttcheeks spelled as one word?
Or do you have to spread them apart?
When I die, I’m donating my body to science.
It’s the only way I’ll ever get into medical school.
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.
When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
A guy asks a woman “Would you have sex with me for a million dollars?”
She replies, "Well, to be honest, at that price, the answer would have to be yes." "Well would you do it for five dollars?" "NO! What do you think I am?" "We've already established what you are. Now we're just haggling over price."
We’re in Trouble
The population of this country is 327 million. 76 million are retired. That leaves 251 million to do the work. There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled. Which leaves 203 million to do the work There are 74 million children younger than 6 Which leaves 129 million to do the work There are 95.2 million children and young adults in school. Which leaves 33.8 million to do the work. At any given time, there are roughly 4 million people on vacation Which leaves 29.8 million to do the work Of this there are 15 million employed by the federal government, not including the military. Leaving 14.8 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea and the Middle East. Which leaves 12 million to do the work. Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1.2 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,012,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,011,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are, Sitting on your ass, At your computer, reading jokes. Nice. Real nice.
Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
Me: (handing baby back to him) bring me the one my wife made
