Okay buddy
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night….
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea
I dreamed about a color once, but when I woke up I realized it wasn’t real.
It was a pigment of my imagination.
A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The bar tender asked, "do you know there's a steering wheel in your pants?" And the pirate said, "arrr it's driving me nuts!"
Breaking: Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump have both been diagnosed with Bone Spurs.
https://ift.tt/2FfFcj5
Two medieval instruments are having a conversation
"I'm a harpsichord." Says the first. "I'm a lute." Says the second. "No you're not!" Says the harpsichord. "You're that other string instrument!" The second looks at him, shocked, and says, "Sir, are you calling me a lyre?!"
Sushi…
…the rolls-rice of Asian seafood.
What do you call bears with no teeth?
Gummy bears.
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain…
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
I bought a guitar the other day but it doesnt work.
Guess I should've known when the seller said no strings attached.
Where do drunk sea flowers go?
Alcoholics Anemones
How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb?
One. They are efficient but not funny.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
Nurse: “My phone just died.”
Doctor: “Let’s call it.”
“Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!”
Dad: That’s a D, idiot.
The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,
But backwards it’s even more stupid.
Therapists only want one thing
and it's fucking discussing.
A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.
There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.” The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.” Poof! The jewels appear. “For my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.” Poof! The karma appears. The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. “I can give you anything in the world,” he says again. The teacher thinks for a long time. “As a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote ‘lamb’ instead of ‘lamp.’ Please correct my mistake.” The genie moaned in anguish. “This is Reddit,” he shouted. Once you post it, you can’t edit the title. “In that case,” the teacher smiled, “It looks like I’ve got myself a genie for eternity.”
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile…
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar…
and are followed by 'Batman!'
If you masturbate after smoking marijuana…
Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?
I was pouring morning coffee from our bodem and my wife noticed I poured mine first and asked why
I told her this way, she won’t have any grounds for divorce. Now give me my 7 upvotes
My son came out as transgender
So that makes me…. transparent
A Canadian asks an American to watch a movie together.
American: Have you seen the Titanic? Canadian: What's that about? American: Yes it was. A huge one that sank.
I started a business building Yachts in my attic
Sails are through the roof.
My friend just told me that he has a third nipple, and he has decided to get surgery to remove it.
He really needed to get it off his chest.
How do you know if someone is vegan?
They will tell you.
Freudian Slip:
When you say one thing, but mean your mother