okie boomie
Dictionary
The only way to read a dictionary from front to back is to read it in reverse.
Teacher,” Tell me a sentence that starts with an ‘I’.”
Student: I is the…. Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an 'I'. Always put 'am' after an 'I'. Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
A blind guy walks into a lesbian bar
But everyone’s cool about it and he’s served his drink. Then, after a few minutes he says, “Hey, bartender; wanna hear a blonde joke?” The place goes dead still. Finally the bartender says, “Look, mister, I know you’re visually challenged and all; I’m gonna cut you some slack. But there’s a few things you should know. “Sitting next to you, on your right, there’s an off-duty cop. She’s armed, and she’s a blonde. On your left you got a martial arts expert with black belts in seven different disciplines. She’s a blonde. At the table behind you, two sisters: a professional wrestling team. Both are blondes. And me, I got a .357 Magnum under the counter. I’m licensed, trained, and it’s loaded. And, you guessed it: I’m a blonde. “So I want you to choose your words carefully before you answer this question: do you still want to tell that blonde joke?” “Aw hell no. Not if I have to explain it five times!”
Michael Jackson, Tupac, Biggie Smalls, and Elvis all walk in to a 7-eleven
You wouldn’t believe it, that store was dead.
Went to the restroom in a restaurant and saw a sign that said “Employees must wash hands”
I waited as long as I could but nobody came, so I just washed them myself.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.
“Barely legal”.
Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.
Why did the ‘A’ go into the bathroom and come out an ‘E’?
He had a vowel movement.
My wife was really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my bags and right.
The Shredder
A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly!" said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one more copy."
Went to the store to get eight cans of sprite…
When I got home, I realized I’d only picked seven up.
A guy has been accused in our town for murdering people by hitting them with a cement bag.
However the police still don't have any concrete evidence against him.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home.
She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?
'Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times.'
Why are there two D’s in “Reddit?”
The second one's a repost.
No, I don’t know where most things are on the map!
I've never been good at geometry.
Welcome back to the plastic surgery addicts support group
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here and I must say I'm very disappointed…
What did the Mexican say when the two houses fell on him?
Get off me, homes.
A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
As my Dad used to say, “when one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, lousy cabinet maker though.
A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.
He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him. The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand. He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack. Two days later, the same thing happens. And then it happens again, two days after that. Every time, that guy is on the bike carrying nothing but sand. This goes on for seven years. It drives the border guard crazy. He loses his job because of it. One day, he tracks the Mexican guy down and says to him, “I’m no longer a border guard, but I gotta know- what is it that you’re smuggling? Because I know you’re snuggling something.” The bicycle guy smiles at him and says, “Bicycles, sucker.”
Soo we’re going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? What’s happening there?
It’s open Mike night!
I heard that 99.9% of Reddit users are actually stupid
Thank God I’m the 1% that isn’t
My son is a man trapped into a woman’s body
He'll be born next month
Trump should not have said “shit-hole countries”.
The correct term is "turd-world countries".
If you’re ever feeling lonely, just remember…
Every day is a date.
A snail was told he would go faster if he took his shell off………
…… but it just made him more sluggish!
Dad:”I need to call the doctor today.” Mom:” Which doctor?”
Dad: "No the regular kind."
I went to a general store.
They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
My wife believes she’s a satellite radio.
At first I thought she was kidding, but apparently she's sirius.
Why did the Mexican take some Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
If I had a dollar for every time I didn’t know what was going on…
I'd be like, why am I always getting all this money?
How do you make pirate furious?
Remove the p
