Old but gold
A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asked the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have …m-m-m…. urges. That's why we have the camel, sir."
The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants, and had wild, insane sex with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay"? As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!", she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch, I guess."
What’s the difference between Xi Jinping and Winnie the Pooh?
Not a joke, I am genuinely curious.
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.
Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take. "Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic." "Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do." "Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said. "Yes, yes I do have a lawn!" "Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house." "Yes, yes I do have a house!" "And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family." "Yes, yes I do have a family!" "And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual." "Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed. "Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob. "Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob. "Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" "No." "Then you're gay."
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie.
GC: I'll direct LD: I'll produce MM: I'll write, I'll write, I'll write
A man walks into a brothel…
Which is well known for its good looking ladies and good food. He walks up to the desk and slams £1000 on the counter "I'd like the toughest most over cooked steak you do and the ugliest girl you have for one hour. But she needs to tell me she has a headache and to do it myself" The madame looks at the cash on the counter then back to the man "Sir, with that sort of money you could have the most delicious steak cooked to perfection along with the most stunning girl you've ever seen. And she'll please you in ways you can't imagine letting you do what ever you wish to her " The man looks the madame strait in the eye and says "sweetheart, I'm not horny I'm homesick"
This morning, my wife dragged me around the store looking at futons…
I thought, there is no way they're going to fit in a bowl of soup…
After all the OSHA violations he was pretty low on cash…
After all the OSHA violations he was pretty low on cash…
First thing men look into a women is her heart
That her breasts are in the way is not our fault.
Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away
RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong socks this morning
If a Scot gets slightly upset every time he’s mistaken for his Gaelic-speaking neighbors…
…that still makes him Ire-ish.
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but this is fucking ridiculous.
My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed
I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was
A priest is walking to his church when he passes a group of prostitutes.
One of them yells out “$20 for a blowjob, Father!” The priest puts his head down and speed walks the rest of the way. When he arrives at the church he nervously approaches one of the nuns and asks her “Sister, what’s a blowjob?” She tells him “$20, Same as downtown”
Justice is a dish best served cold because…
…if it were served warm, it would be justwater…
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it
It means my illegal logging business is a success
A clown opened up my post today
No text found
Why don’t ants get sick
Because they have little anty bodies
What fruit likes to go down slides?
Ki-Wheeee
Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn’t alive?
Boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran- Grandpa- It’s your dog, he’s dead jimmy.
My wife loves tennis, and she was telling me how distracted she gets at the constant grunting during women’s matches.
I told her I’ll try not doing it again.
What does a grape say when it’s squashed?
Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is
I’m honestly getting concerned when thinking about this.
I’m honestly getting concerned when thinking about this.
Why couldn’t the number 3 cross the border?
No trespassing
Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.
I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.
I just found out where Captain Hook got its hook
He got it from a second-hand store
A Spaniard is walking through a grocery store
He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk" He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"
Why doesn’t the bullet have a steady job
Because it keeps getting fired
Should English be the only official language of the EU?
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.