Old format
I’m so tired of jokes about gay people
I mean come on guys
How did the Himalayan man jump higher than mount Everest?
Well, that's easy. Mountains can't jump.
How does a Jewish man make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete?
She wanted to see the task manager.
Two ladies had been friends for decades. Every day they sat together on a bench in the park and chatted.
One day, one lady told the other, "This is terribly embarrassing, but I hope you understand. You know how it is to be old. I keep forgetting things. I have to tell you, my dear friend, that I simply can't remember your name. Could you please tell me your name again?" The other lady looked at her for a long time, and asked, "How soon do you need to know?"
Little Michael watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. “Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked. “To make myself beautiful!” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked little Michael. "Giving up?"
βJudge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!β
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!
It’s amazing how Seasons work. I’m in Japan, it’s mid December and I’m freezing…
But apparently back in the England it's the end of May.
I am a little confused about why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday
I don't know what to make of it
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that’s the last thing I need.
This joke has me dead.
I asked a train engineer how many times he’s derailed the train.
He looked at me and said "I honestly don't know… It's hard to keep track".
I’ve got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He’s going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes. Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes. Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days
Son: Where were you born, Dad?
Dad: In the US Son: Which part? Dad: What "which part", my whole body was born in the US
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff
Ba-dumm-tsss
After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.
After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about. "Why have you not multiplied?" he asked. To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders." Noah being a quick thinker went off into the woods to fell some trees, and fastened them together into a platform. He then placed the snakes on the platform and lo and behold the snakes immediately laid a clutch of eggs Because you see, even adders can multiply on a log table
A man goes into the doctor.
He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" the doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will." "I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
Want to make your water bed more bouncy?
Use, spring water.
What did one oar say to the other oar?
Can I interest you in some rowmance?
At first, I thought my haircut was too short.
But then it grew on me.
What does a house wear?
Address
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
Through the Dumbell door.
I met an Asian guy at a party and asked him, βAre you Chris Chen?β
He said: No, my name is Daniel. Do all Asian guys look the same to you? Me: No. I meant, do you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior?
What type of shoes do pedophiles wear?
White vans
Why do people wash their clothes in Tide?
Because it's too cold out-Tide
My calculator is missing the minus button….
But on the plus side it still works.
What did the fisherman say to the magician?
Pick a Cod, any Cod
Why did the vegetarian fail his exam?
There were too many missed stakes
How do you turn soup into gold?
Add 24 carrots
Itβs easy to prevent women from eating tide pods
But itβs harder to deter gents
I’m allergic to bread but eat it anyways
I guess I'm a gluten for punishment
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
My Dad made me watch a 20 minute video of why you should wear a condom during sex.
Oddly it was just a 20min slide show with pictures of me…
What is this, some kind of Boomer joke that I’m too Millennial to understand?
https://ift.tt/2H77fSO
Shovels are amazing.
They were truly a ground breaking invention.
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building.
Security stops him and says there are no firearms allowed in this building.
What did one deer say to the other when leaving the gay bar?
"I must have blown twenty bucks in there."