OLD PEOPLE AMIRITE XD!!
There’s a company that will help you temporarily find memories you’ve lost, for a fee.
Just visit Rent-A-Missing Reminiscing!
A 7 year-old and a 4 years-old are in their bedroom. “You know what, I think it’s time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’ll swear first, then you” says the 7 year old. “OK” says the 4 year-old. Mum asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast. “I’ll have Frosties, bitch”
WHACK, he flew out the chair crying his eyes out. Mum looks at the 4 year-old and said sternly! “And what do you want?” He says “Don’t know, but it won’t be fucking Frosties”
What does a house wear?
Address
WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED!
Apparently you have to wear clothes too.
How did Pinocchio find out he was a wooden boy?
His hand caught fire
For protection against being called a boomer, you can now designate your generation via a user flair.
Stay safe out there.Addition sub changes:Ability to report common repostsAbility to report NSFW posts that need to be marked NSFW
Three teenagers are walking along the side of a canal…
They notice some men in suits moving frantically around a drowning man. The three teenagers jump in and save the drowning person only to realize that it’s President Trump. Once everyone has recovered, the President thanks them for saving him. He offers each teenager one wish within his powers. The first teenager says that his father was wrongfully convicted and now sits on death row. Everyone knows it, but all of his appeals have been used up. His one wish is to have his father pardoned. Trump asks the kid for the name of his father and the pardon will be put through. The second teenager wants nothing more than to attend a military academy, like many other members of his family, but his grades aren’t good enough. Trump has the teenager give his information to one of the Secret Service agents and he’ll get into the academy of his choice. The third teenager asks to be buried at Arlington National Cemetery. Trump points out that this is a very unusual request. One of his friends is trying to save his father and the other wants to serve his country. Why is he asking for something so morbid? The teenager replies, “When my parents find out I saved you, they’re going to kill me.”
Two cannibals were eating an entitled kid
One says to the other," Does this taste a bit spoiled?"
How does NASA throw parties?
They planet.
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. They are efficient and not very funny
Dark humor is like food
Not everyone gets it
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100
A solid 10, but also imaginary
“A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’
She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'"
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
What do you call a fat neo-nazi?
A wide supremacist.
I was given MDMA and LSD tonight…
What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble.
The wife laughed when I told her I was building a car out of spaghetti…
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
I don’t like Civil War jokes
I General Lee don’t find them funny
A cop sees an old woman carrying two sacks…
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills. The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?” She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.” The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?” The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!” “That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?” The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”
Instead of ‘Happy New Year’ I said ‘good year’ to my wife.
I must be tired.
Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today.
Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species. Myneckisaur. This is my first dad joke post 🙂
A fortune teller told me I’d suffer awful heart break in 12 years.
To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.
To the guy who stole my trainers and high-vis jacket…
…you can run but you can't hide!
What’s the downside to cumming on the face of the girl you like?
Having to clean the monitor.
I saw a crying baby in a hot car today, I grabbed a rock and threw it at the window…..
Little did I know the window was rolled down… at least it stopped crying
How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's a hardware problem.
I pushed a chinese person down a flight of stairs
It was wong on so many levels
What do you call a cube with many friends?
A platonic solid
I went to a premature ejaculator’s support group today.
Turns out I came early.
Adverts in elevators.
I hate these multi-level marketing schemes.
I think I might be turning into a beach…
But I'm still not 100% shore
