Older Man Gives Young Maid Big Hard Cock
I got fired from the frozen orange juice factory today.
I just couldn’t concentrate.
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Everywhere
Man walks into a barber shop: “Can you shape my afro like a sphere?”
Sorry, we don’t do that round hair.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says “I’m not going to leave my home, God will protect me”.
The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him. The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just then a National Guard boat comes by and tells him to get in. The man says "I'm not afraid, my God will protect me" and refuses to get in the boat. Eventually the National Guard is forced to give up and move on to help others. Then the man drowns. When he gets to the pearly gates he meets God and says "God, why didn't you protect me?" God sighs and says "I sent you the news, the police, and a boat. What fucking more do you want?!"
Pushups are the best form of exercise.
Hands down.
The secret service doesn’t yell “Get down!” anymore when the President is about to be attacked.
They now yell “Donald, Duck!”
I don’t trust stairs.
They’re always up to something.
A blind woman told me I had a big dick
She was just pulling my leg.
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, “What’ll ya have?”
The rabbit says, “I dunno. I’m only here because of Autocorrect.”
I always get sad when I crush my drink cans.
It’s soda pressing.
“Dad, look! I’m a 3D printer!”
"Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit"
A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock on the door.
A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am." He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second." The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train." The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."
I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant.
But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby
I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.
He wasn’t happy
Give ‘em the punchline first!
How do you tell a good joke about time travel?
Whats red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to test their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
“Excuse me,” I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, “You have some semen on the back of your jacket.”
"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably just yogurt." "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt"
Two recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight." Other recruit says "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say a band on ship."
Why are so many Italians named Tony?
Because when they left the old country, immigration officers put a sticker on their lapel that read To NY.
Why cant a penis be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot
Clint Eastwood gets called back from the light at the golf tournament yesterday
https://ift.tt/2Hfy47a
Bindi Irwin got married!
That's a ray of hope!
I’m so happy its tick season soon…
I enjoy a little Lyme with my Corona
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are around $1.25 and deer nuts are just under a buck.
I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.
The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
What do you call a cardigan that you don’t wear anymore?
A Discardigan.