oldie but a… goodie?
Did you hear about the burglary at the detergent factory?
The thief made a clean getaway
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
Dyslexics untie!
No text found
I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician…
I was just sitting around doing nothing.
My mirror is really enjoying quarantine.
It has a lot time to reflect.
Me telling my dad I’m bisexual:
Me: okay, so. I would identify as bisexual. Dad: and that means you would have a male partner Me: yep Dad: and a female partner. Me: yep Dad: and that means your bi Me: yep Dad: so that means if you don’t have a partner your on standbi. Me: Me: Me: Me: did you just
I once thanked a French man to death…
I guess you could call it a merci killing!
My sex life is like the Sahara desert.
Just two palms, no dates.
They say don’t go grocery shopping while you’re hungry.
But it’s been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.
I logged into Facebook the other day and got a message saying “We value your privacy.”
Well I know that. How else could you sell it?
When you realize Trump got himself impeached by digging up dirt on the wrong guy.
https://ift.tt/2GhxbL1
Man “I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience for it. It’s starting to make me sick”. Wife: “what do you think about me?”
Man: "oh you mean the world to me, darling".
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.
I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job…
We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5% raise. Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?” I responded, “The gas, electric and cable company.”
Last night I dreamt that I was weightless
I was like “0mg”
My 8yo son hit me with this one tonight before bed: “Why did the minnow cross the ocean?”
"To get to the other tide." I'm too young to be a grandfather!
My son may be a good father…
But I'm a grandfather.
A man walks into a brothel…
Which is well known for its good looking ladies and good food. He walks up to the desk and slams £1000 on the counter "I'd like the toughest most over cooked steak you do and the ugliest girl you have for one hour. But she needs to tell me she has a headache and to do it myself" The madame looks at the cash on the counter then back to the man "Sir, with that sort of money you could have the most delicious steak cooked to perfection along with the most stunning girl you've ever seen. And she'll please you in ways you can't imagine letting you do what ever you wish to her " The man looks the madame strait in the eye and says "sweetheart, I'm not horny I'm homesick"
What do you call a cardigan that you don’t wear anymore?
A Discardigan.
The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.
Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :_(
Quick Question Guys. Is it “for fucks sake” or “for fuck sake”?
It's for a work email so it needs to sound professional.
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, “Of course.” To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn’t hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time. When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.” With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started. “Of course,” says the old man, “when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”
MEN’S HELP LINE – Letter of the Month
Hi John, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
[OC] Why shouldn’t you mention hair or skin while wearing deodorant?
The deodorant gets up in arms over them.
My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed
In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.
In Avatar, Aang is 112 years old
Some call him "Boomer Aang"
I proposed my russian girlfriend and she said yes
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl. As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows a little high when she did her makeup today.
She looked surprised.
I got my wife a prosthetic leg for Christmas…
It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler
I don’t often tell dad jokes.
But when i do, he usually laughs
Anybody wanna be in a platonic relationship?
I'm asking for a friend.
A Catholic daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?' The girl, crying, replied, Dad… I became a prostitute.' 'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad… as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club … (takes a breath) … and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.' 'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.' 'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant!"
You’re a unit of power harry
I'm a WATT?? Sorry stole it from a pornhub comment made me laugh
I entered myself in a Most Beautiful Boner contest.
The competition was pretty stiff.
There are 3 types of people in the world:
1: The ones who can count 3: The ones who can’t