OMG๐๐๐! WE MEMERS ARE SO SAVAGE ๐๐๐
Three logicians enter a bar
The bartender asks them: "Do all three of you want beer?" The first one said: "I don't know." The second also said: "I don't know." The third one said: "Yes."
I went swimming today and took a pee in the deep end
The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud, I almost fell in
How easy is it to get Reddit karma?
Repost a popular joke from yesterday, Itโs a piece of cake.
News paper comics can be funny sometimes but theyโre easily subject to boomers.
https://ift.tt/2wT7Fdw
So this Koala was really into soccer…
It trained and trained, and finally went to try out for the koala national soccer team. And wouldn't you know it? It made the team! It was so excited. But the night before it's first big game… POOF! It turned into a giraffe. It got dis-koala-fied.
How does Harry Potter get down hill?
Walking! JK Rolling!
What do you get if you cross James Bond with a blind dinosaur?
Spynosawus. … I'll just see myself out
How many magicians does it take to pull a rabbit out of a hat?
One. It's a trick question.
A zoo just had several break-ins and many animals are now running around loose in the park. In today’s meeting however, management was only concerned about discussing changes to the gift shop…
I'm not sure why we're not addressing the elephant in the room…
me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today!
[100 years ago] witch: fuck this house
I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it go faster
but it just made it more sluggish.
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's really time consuming. Especially if you go for seconds.
Trump educates himself about the subject before talking about it
…. Thats the whole joke
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two I'm sorry…
Do you know what Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother is called?
Brocco Lee I'll see myself out.
I was embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my sonโs train set, so I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I’d never be any good at poetry.
But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.
I donโt like Civil War jokes
I General Lee donโt find them funny
If you stand by the sea…
…it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is “It,” closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them.
Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
What’s the difference between an African Elephant and an Asian Elephant?
About 3,000 miles.
I am terrified of elevators.
Iโm going to start taking steps to avoid them.
When women reach a certain age they start accumulating cats
This is known as many paws
Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we are?" Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
I hate Russian dolls,
they're so full of themselves.
Why did the wizard seductively kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?
He was a neck romancer.
What lies on a seabed and shivers?
A nervous wreck.
The word โDiputseromneveโ may look ridiculous,
But backwards itโs even more stupid.
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed platypus.
An IQ below 70 qualifies you for having an intellectual disability
Now I just need to figure out if that's in Celcius or Fahrenheit
What’s the difference between In-Laws and Outlaws
Outlaws are wanted.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar…
and are followed by 'Batman!'
I’m making a new documentary on how to fly a plane
We're currently filming the pilot.
I’ve been accused of plagiarism
Their words, not mine
Christmas is a lot like sex
I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.
If you clean a vacuum cleaner
You become a vacuum cleaner
Man sits at a bar and orders five shots…
the bartender asks the guy, "What's up bud? You look rough." "Well," says the man, "I just found out my dad is gay and he's left my mom for some pool boy." "Ouch," says the bartender, "here, these are on the house today." A few days later the same guy comes in and orders another five shots. "Oh no man, what happened this time?" The bartender asks. "Just found out my brother is gay, he's left his wife for a man he met at a gay bar last week." "I'm sorry man," the bartender says, "these are on the house." Just one week later the guy comes in again and orders ten shots. The bartender asks, "Man! Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The guy responds, "Yeah…my wife."
So proud of my daughter for this one… “Why do fishes swim in salt water?”
Because pepper would make them sneeze! She's six. She's awesome.