OMG GUYS I LITTERALLY CANT STOP HELP ME 😂😂😂
What’s the difference between a constipated owl and a bad marksman?
A bad marksman shoots, but can't hit. A constipated owl hoots, but can't shit.
What do you call an Elephant that doesn’t matter?
Irrelephant.
“This is your captain speaking,
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
If I had a dollar for every racist thing I’ve said
some minority would probably mug me for it.
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it…
Dude 1: “Bro can you pass me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure.”
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.
My girlfriend warned me she would break up if I didn’t stop making jokes about oral sex.
I said "That's hard to swallow."
What’s a cop’s favorite type of sweater?
A pullover.
This asparagus is just…
a spear, I guess.
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
A nice change of pace from all the other times I’ve been fucked because of assembly
https://ift.tt/2X1nWIu
A guy goes to a Halloween party with a beautiful girl on his back….
The host asks him, "And what are you?" The guy says, " I'm a snail." The host says "And who's that on your back?" "That's Michelle!"…
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise." The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."
A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, “Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?”
Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!" The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he took off his clothes and started banging his manhood on the dresser. His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide
What’s the difference between my husband and Gollum?
A ring actually means something to Gollum.
I love dry erase boards.
They're remarkable.
So this Koala was really into soccer…
It trained and trained, and finally went to try out for the koala national soccer team. And wouldn't you know it? It made the team! It was so excited. But the night before it's first big game… POOF! It turned into a giraffe. It got dis-koala-fied.
“Dad, the manual says it’s not a good idea to turn the stereo volume to full.”
Dad: That’s sound advice.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
MRW my friend asks what happens to atoms under heat (X-post from /r/shittyreactiongifs)
https://ift.tt/3c5GHPr
What do raspberries do when they play instruments?
They have jam sessions!
How long does it take to eat another banana?
A bananosecond
Sometimes I go out and commit crimes
Just to feel wanted
Imagine a woman with 12 breasts.
Sounds weird, dozen tit?
Wish me Luke!
It's like luck, but with more force.
“Dad, look! I’m a 3D printer!”
"Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit"
A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot found themselves standing before the Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don't know, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven. If not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct The philosopher disappeared and went to hell. The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared. The mathematician read it and agreed it was correct. The mathematician also went to hell. The idiot stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from ?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." The idiot went to Heaven.
The owner of a circus goes into the big top to inspect it
While he's there this scrawny little guy walks in. He walks over to the boss, and he says ''Are you the boss here?'' The circus owner says, ''Yeah. What do you want?'' The kid says, ''I'd like to join the circus. I got an act." The carnie is intrigued, so he says, ''Oh, yeah? Well, let me see what it is.'' So this little guy goes over to the center pole and he starts climbing up the pole. And he goes all the way up. He climbs up and up and up. He goes all the way up to the very peak of the big top. And he looks down, and he takes a deep breath and he leaps off, and he starts flapping his arms. And he starts flying! And he flies all around the big top! He goes all the way around the place. He goes around the center pole. Pshew! He goes loop-de-loop through the trapezes. Then he gets all the way up and he takes a nosedive right down to the ground. Flapping his arms like mad. And he lands right next to the boss. And once he's safe on the ground again the kid asks, ''Well, what do you think?'' The which the boss says, ''That's all you do? Bird imitations?''
Who delivers Christmas gifts to lobsters?
Santa Claws
