Omg i cantttttt
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more and they would get too farty
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
Why do Americans take a gun while they go fishing ?
Cause groups of fish are called schools
I get aroused when I erase pencil drawings
In fact, I think I'm gonna rub one out
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.
So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it’s so late, my wife’s going to kill me.” He takes his shoes outside and rubs them in the grass and mud, then proceeds home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed off. “Where the hell have you been?!?!” “Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great-looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.” She sees his shoes are covered with grass and says, “You lying bastard!!! You’ve been fishing again!!!” Edit: Thank you for the silver kind stranger, you like fishing huh?
A robber enters a bank, he pulls out a gun, and he shouts: “Everyone on the ground. This is a robbery!”. Immediately, everyone in the bank drops down with their hands on their heads except for one man reading a newspaper.
The man lowers his newspaper and begins to stare at the robber with an amused look on his face. It makes the robber angry, so he walks towards the man, puts the gun to his face, and asks him: "what so funny, ha? You want to get shot?". The man's amused look turns into a smile as he answers the robber back: "You are joking right?". The robber, bursting with anger, places the gun one inch away from the man's face and says: "Say that again. I dare you". The man, who was previously completely relaxed, is now getting a bit worried. He lowers his newspaper further and says: "No, really. You are not serious, are you?". The robber sticks the gun into the man's forehead and threatens with a more serious tone: "One more word and I swear I am pulling the trigger". The man, no longer showing the slightest hint of amusement, says: "Look, there is a first time to everything, but this is unbelievable. Do you really have any idea of what you are doing?". "that is it!" the robber snaps. "I have a gun, you are unarmed, everybody else is scared to death, and there are zero guards in here! Don't you understand the situation? I completely got this under control!". At this point, the man puts down his newspaper with an honest, concerned look on his face. He looks the robber in the eye and says: "Dude, this is a blood bank".
Teacher,” Tell me a sentence that starts with an ‘I’.”
Student: I is the…. Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an 'I'. Always put 'am' after an 'I'. Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
I lent a girl an umbrella yesterday
Which takes the total number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws
When you realize Trump got himself impeached by digging up dirt on the wrong guy.
https://ift.tt/2GhxbL1
Ever tried blind archery?
You don't know what you are missing.
An angry man with a gun walks into a bar and yells “WHO HAD SEX WITH MY WIFE”
A man sitting in the corner replies, “You won’t have enough bullets”
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey.
I love to tell Dad jokes
But he never laughs at any of them.
If you’ve never listened to an album front to back before, do it. Right now.
If you’ve never listened to an album front to back before, do it. Right now.
Why don’t the Sons of Liberty have a secret knock?
Because freedom rings
Trump is at an elementary school assembly and asks,…
"Does anyone know what a tragedy is?" A kindergartener raises her hand and the president chooses her to answer, "A car crash." "No, not quite." Responds Trump, "that would be an 'accident' ". He then chooses a 4th grade boy. "If a school bus went off a cliff and all the kids died, that would be a tragedy." "Close, but not exacly, that's what we call a great loss" replies the president. Next, a 6th grader speaks up, "if a bomb went off in DC and killed you and all of congress, that would be a tragedy." "That's really great!" The president continues, "how did you know that?" "Well, it's clearly not an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss."
The doc came in and let me know he was here to deliver our baby
I told him that we would prefer if the baby kept its liver.
I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician,
and a Czech one too.
I’m just going to get some cigarettes
I’ll be right back
Daily US death toll like a new 9/11 every couple days now- How can anybody compete with that
https://ift.tt/2AgJ5oT
I wasn’t sure if I should post this here, because it’s only funny under certain circumstances
certain circumstances funny
Believing in 12.5% of the Bible
Makes you an eighth thiest.
Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.
It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
My friend did a PhD in palindromes…
He's now known as Dr Awkward.