OMG I SWEAR
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons are, while the fourth is using the bathroom. Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a car dealership and just gave his best friend a Ferrari. Guy 2: That's nothing, my son owns an airliner company and just gave his best friend a jet. Guy 3: Well my son is more successful than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a mansion Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys. Guy 4: Hey guys, what are we talking about? Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are. Guy 4:Well, my son is a gay stripper. Guy 2: You must be so disappointed with what he's done with his life. Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a mansion from his three boyfriends.
So i stubbed my toe this morning…
My toe hurts but The Opera Director Next door was very impressed
A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..
After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage… After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie.. "It's simple" billionaire boasts… "I faked my age" "Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy…she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks. With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"
I invented a new word today
Plagiarism
Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons.
The man at the front desk has a game he likes to play. When the first couple checked in, he asked the bride what her job was. She said she was a maid. The man thought to himself "Maids are hot. This guy's going to have a fun honeymoon." When the next couple checked in, he asked the bride the same question. She told him she was a nurse. The man at the front desk thought "nurses are even sexier. This guy's going to get laid." The third couple checked in right after. The same question was asked. The bride said she was a high school teacher. The man behind the desk scoffed. "Teachers are so strict." He thought. "They'll probably go right to bed." Just an hour later, the first groom came down to eat. "Already? I thought you'd be spending the night with your new wife." Said the man "I tried!" Replied the groom. "But she insisted on tidying up the room." Another hour passed, and the second groom came down to get some food. The man asked "What are you doing down here so early?" And the groom said "Every time I tried to have sex with her, she just told me I wasn't clean enough." The man expected the third groom to come down soon, but he never did. He waited for hours and how's. Right near the end of his shift, the man finally saw the third groom come down, looking extremely tired. "There you are!" Said the man. "Did you get enough sleep?" "I never slept." Replied the groom. "My wife kept saying "We're going to do this again and again until you get it right."
My Uncle used to say: “when one door closes, another opens”
He was a decent philosopher, but a lousy cabinet maker.
My fatherโs name is Lee. My name is Riley.
As a kid, if I ever said the word โapparentlyโ, he would interrupt to shout โA Son Riley!โ
What kind of tie does a cloud wear?
A Rain Bow tie.
Why did Episodes 4, 5 and 6 come out before 1, 2 and 3?
In charge of scheduling Yoda was.
A woman went to a dance and hit it off with a guy there.
They both liked what they saw and decided to go back to his place. One thing led to another, and soon they gravitated to the bedroom and proceeded to undress. The first thing he removed was his socks and shoes. She noted his feet were withered and crooked. When asked, he responded that when he was six, he contracted toe-lio. She looked at him confused. โYou mean polio?โ He shook his head and replied, โNoโฆtoe-lio.โ He then took off his pants. His knees were knobby and gnarled. She asked him what was up with that. He told her, โWhen I was eight, I got the kneesles.โ โYou mean measles?โ โNoโฆkneesles.โ Then he removed his underwear. She sighedโฆ โLet me guess. When you were ten, you got small cocks?โ
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.
I’m not sure why we don’t classify churches as businesses.
They are for-prophet organizations, after all.
How many Alzheimerโs patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side
How did the farmer catch his cheating wife?
He tractor down.
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Everywhere
My friend wouldnโt stop telling me bird puns
Little did he know toucan play at that game
I showed my lawyer the damaged remains of my bag and asked him whether I can sue the airline.
He said, โYou donโt seem to have much of a case.โ
A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He’s very nervous and doesn’t say much.
As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter! After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone. The groom approaches the him and asks, "why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!" "I know…" Says the priest, "but that was just my altar ego".
Hermione’s son: Mum, you’re a witch!
Hermione: Emma Watson?
How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Theyโll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.
Whyโs it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left
I got fired from my job at a bank today
Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no booty!
