OMG IM LITERALLY SPITTING OUT MY DRINK
Sometimes I think I have a superiority complex…
But then I realize I’m better than that.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working, goodbye”
What a liar! I opened the fridge and it's working just fine.
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
I’m not going to spread it!
A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.
The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”
r/jokes Has 18 Million subscribers!
It's amazing what 7 jokes can do
My wife wanted a robot vacuum for Christmas, so I got a cheap knock-off made in Mexico..
It’s called Aye Caroomba.
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.
Last night for example, I couldn't fall asleep, because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
I met a woman who said she was a huge Monkees fan
She told me she had collected every piece of merchandise ever made for the band. I was skeptical. Then I saw her place…
I’ve been saying “mucho” to my Spanish friend a lot more often lately
It means a lot to him
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise…’
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly…
and as you can see, they were Wright.
A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously drunk man stumbles in.
"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches. The bartender pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers, they all drink. The bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me tonight, sorry." The bartender proceeds to beat the living daylights out of the man and throws him out. The next night, the bartender is again behind his bar when the same well dressed but intoxicated man stumbles in. "Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man happily announces as he approaches. The bartender thinks, "This guy cant be that stupid, he probably came to pay. Now I feel bad for beating him so hard last night." He pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he again shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me again, sorry." The bartender proceeds to beat the man even harder and kicks him out. Third night in a row, the bartender just cant believe his eyes when he sees the man return. "Bartender! A drink for everyone, and a drink for me!" The man calls out as he approaches. The bartender is fuming and grins sardonically, "What, no drink for ME tonight?" The drunk looks at him and says, "Nah man, you get way too violent when you drink."
I was in the supermarket when a guy threw a block of cheese at me.
I looked over at him and shouted, “Well that’s not very mature is it??”
paper
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.
Wife: we shouldn’t curse around the kids anymore
Dad: what should I say instead bull- Wife: Shhh!!! Say snake instead. Dad: [whispers] this is snakeshit
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards…
Creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.
We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong. A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were only funny to me, but that just made it even funnier to me so I continued telling all these dad jokes to her and died laughing every time. She puts up with it because she loves me. At least I thought so. We were always 100% honest with each other and I'm still shaken by the things she told me today. I sent her probably one of my worst dad jokes ever (that I stole from reddit), and she just couldn't take it anymore and told me how stupid my jokes are and that she doesn't know if she'll be able to put up with it much longer. But that's not the worst part, I actually appreciated her honesty and considered the possibility to stop with all the stupid jokes and become more serious in the relationship. The worst part is that she lied to me for the first time in all these years. I felt like I just couldn't trust her anymore and everything I thought I knew about her as a person just became questionable. I need your advice on how to react to this huge lie… She told me she's Sorry, but I know for a FACT that her name is Diane.
I just discovered that the word “nothing” is a palindrome…
Backwards it spells "gnihton", which also means nothing.
A girl told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow
Found out she meant trout, not Skittles
Today, I walked into a restaurant.
"Hi, is my table ready?" "No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?" "No, that's okay." "Great, take these salads to table six then."
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U
Cuz you’re blocking the TV
Genie: I will grant you two wishes.
Guy: two? It’s always three, right? Genie: look at your crotch. Guy: Damn, that’s a huge dick. Genie: I’ve been doing this for centuries. You’re welcome.
Wanna hear a joke about the ozone layer?
[depleted]
“OMG, what’s going on? I can see through you.”
"My son told me he is transgender." "So?" "That makes me transparent."
I was at the library today when a black guy came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.
I replied, "Dude, it's 2019, you can use whatever printer you want."
A limbo champion walks into a bar
He is disqualified
My wife’s mother is a lawyer.
I have a mother-in-law.
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel.
On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.' 'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.' 'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?' 'Anything, Father.' 'I have never seen a woman's breasts, and I was wondering if I might see yours.' 'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.' The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. 'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'… she consented and he fondled them for several minutes. 'Father, could I ask something of you?' 'Yes, Sister?' 'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?' 'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe. 'Oh Father, may I touch it?' The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. 'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give Life.' 'Is that true Father?' 'Yes, it is, Sister.' 'Oh Father, that's wonderful … Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'
What do you call a sketchy Italian neighborhood?
The spaghetto
Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.
Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10. "Just don't tell Dad" she says. Hey, it's working thinks Little Johnny. An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: "Dad, I know everything." Dad gives Johnny $100. "Don't tell Mom" he says. Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. "I know everything, Mister." The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says: "Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug."
What should you do if you see a famous person at a water park?
Ask them for their watergraph.
