OMG IM LITERALLY SPITTING OUT MY DRINK
Before I die, I’m going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn…
That should make the cremation a little more interesting…
What do you call a popsicle that’s filled with holes?
A Popesicle! Get it? Because it's holy. My kids didn't get it either…
What do you call a nun that sleepwalks?
A roamin' catholic.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s a slut, but if a man does it…
He's gay, definitely gay.
The LEGO shop reopens tomorrow but I recommend avoiding it for the time being,
People will be lined up for blocks.
Did you hear about the pancake?
One day he got so angry, he just flipped.
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It's called making the little things count.
A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast.
“Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?” He declines. “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?” Again he declines. “No, thanks. It’s this Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. “Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes…?” Once more, he declines. “Again, thanks, but it’s this Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” “Well, then”, she says, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking STARVING!”
What do you call a rude cactus?
A prick I’m deeply sorry
I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.
It was a real pain in the ass finding it.
America’s almost finished switching to the metric system.
But they've got miles to go.
A guy is talking to a girl
A guy is talking to a girl : "Everytime I see your smile, I want to take you to my place" "Oh ! You think I'm pretty ?" "No, I'm a dentist."
The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout…… “Donald duck.”
My driving examiner told me to do an emergency stop.
So I drove him to the hospital. He couldn't have been ill though, because he didn't get out.
Grandma took my weed so I took her wheelchair.
Neither of us is rolling.
The new employee.
This guy just started at his new job, working at an adult shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it? " The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35." She: "How much for the black one?" He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before. "She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo? He: "$35." She: "How much for the white one?" He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." She: "Hmmm…I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before…"She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." She: "Hmmmmm….how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" He: "Well, that's a very special dildo…it'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before…." She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman says, "I think I did good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn’t likable.
It was an autobiography…
I heard the woman who wrote Beyblade died today.
Let her RIP.
Three men were sitting together bragging..
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties The first man had married an Indian girl, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done. The second man had married a Chinese girl. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married an Italian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
I’m not going to bed tonight.
Hopefully I won't get locked up for resisting a rest.
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
Why did the baby go to jail?
Because he was resisting a rest.
The US is to surpass China and Italy in the coming week for most COVID-19 cases in the world
https://ift.tt/2UFKRq3
A bear walks in to a bar
"I'd like a whisky and……………coke" Bartender "why the big pause?" Bear "i don't know, i was born with'em"
I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform…
straightaway I knew he was a keeper
What do “PETA” and “Make a Wish Foundation” have in common?
A 10% survival rate I’m so sorry
I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.
I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.
The first joke my 3yo self ever made
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom. My dad remembers me being really proud of it and telling everyone, haha!