omg it is outdoors level!!!
What’s the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
One sells watches, while the other watches cells. 😆
ROMNEY DIDN’T KILL HIMSELF
Sorry, just practicing.
I asked a poor pirate why he had a seagull on his shoulder instead of a proper parrot.
"Arrrr…it were on sail."
What do you call a headless duck?
A duck that didnt duck
Back in high school, I had a friend named Ving
He and his twin sister, Ling, had recently moved here from China and so they had very traditional names. One day, Ving mentioned to me how much he hated his name. “What kind of name is Ving? It’s so stupid,” he said, frustrated. “You know, you can get your name changed at city hall.” “Really? It’s that easy?” “Yeah you just have to fill out some paperwork.” I paused. “I can drive you if you want.” “Thanks dude. What would I even change my name to though?” “How about something common that holds on to your roots? Something like Lee.” “Lee. I like it.” Unfortunately, Ling had overheard our talk and launched into a tirade about how his name had been in the family for generations and he couldn’t just throw away his heritage like that. Ving was set though. The next day, we drove to city hall. Ling insisted on coming along, hoping to convince Ving to change his mind. She complained the entire way. Ving wasn’t deterred though. We finally got to city hall and got the paperwork. As he was filling it out, Ving’s face changed. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “You’ve been excited all day and yesterday for this.” “I know, I know. It’s just— it’s my dad’s name too. I don’t know.” Ving sighed. “I don’t think I can go through with it.” Ling looked relieved. The receptionist noted that there was a small cancellation fee. Ling happily took out some money. Suddenly, an Asian man in Ray-Bans, neon shorts, and an American flag T-shirt bursted through the doors. “Dad!” Ving, tears streaming down his face, ran to embrace his father. Ving Sr. smiled at his son. “Don’t stop. Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee Ling.”
Firefighters are worth their weight in gold.
Police officers are worth their weight in copper.
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t notice.
Call her fat once and she will never forget. That’s because elephants never forget.
I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician…
I was just sitting around doing nothing.
I used to bang a set of twins…
People always asked how I could tell them apart. I said it's easy, Mary always paints her nails purple and George has a cock.
Scientists got bored of watching the moon for 24 hours
So they called it a day.
My friend Jay had twin daughters, and decided to name them after him.
They are named Kay and Elle.
Fred is a hippo who went to University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked him where the medical building was, Fred replied, "it's over there and to the left. I do research on the brain in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
How can you tell when a joke is a ‘dad joke’?
When its apparent.
If you’re here for the yodeling lesson
please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
You don’t want me to close your wound for you?
Fine, suture self.
Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease.
Guy: How rare? Doc: Really rare. Guy: What’s it called? Doc: You choose.
It’s weird how nobody knew who the Iranian general Soleimani was a few days ago…
It's like he blew up overnight.
I’ve washed my hands so many times this week
That I revealed cheat notes from a calculus test from 1972
How does Harry Potter like to go down hills?
Walking! Jk, Rowling
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows on too high.
She looked surprised.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio
I never understood why people are surprised to hear Elvis died on the toilet.
Historically it's rare for a King to leave the throne alive.
Did you hear about the electrician who played guitar?
He was really good with his chord changes
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender says to the rabbit, "What can I get ya, sir?" The rabbit says, " I have no idea. I'm only here because of Autocorrect."
I’m glad to see Reddit is meeting its goals to become one of the greenest companies in the world.
Take the front page, it's over 90% recycled content!
i just heard that oxygen and magnesium are together
i was like OMg
I don’t know what they are even talking about, we have had an incredibly mild winter.
https://ift.tt/2tSJaME
A wife is yelling at her housband “Get out! I hate your guts!”
So her husband packs up his things and walks out the door. As he is walking away his wife screams at him, “ I hope you die a slow and painful death!” He suddenly stops and says, “So, you want me to stay?”
A man decided to attend his friend’s funeral. He approached his friend’s widow and after a consoling hug said “Plethora”.
She responded "Thanks that means a lot".
Why did Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?
Because everything is already 100% recycled.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide
I was watching porn on the computer, when my grandpa suddenly walked in.
Weird way to finally find out what he did for a living.
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”
I shouted, “Oh come on! Not you too!”
People say I have a dad-bod
I prefer to think of it as a father figure.
I went to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting last night
but all the seats were taken.
I invited all my friends over for my thirty second birthday
After half a minute they all went home.
