Omg! Rekt
What do you call a German virus?
A germ.
If you don’t know what to give your friend as a birthday present,
just give them a fridge, and watch their face light up as they open it.
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!” The cop growls, “You are the lawyer!”
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O'Furniture
A warning to all.
Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas. Quite rightly, police are out checking on people. Last night I went our for a few drinks. Cocktails, then wine. (Not a good idea). However, knowing I was over the limit, I took the bus back home. We passed a police check point and I could see they were pulling over drivers and giving them breath tests. They waved the bus past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a surprise as I’d never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from.
I’m annoyed because I had to work at the museum tonight moving suits of armour.
I hate knight shifts.
I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.
Me: “ok, this isn’t working out.”
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An Irrelephant.
How many bones are in your hand?
About a handful
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
Congratulations are in order
aacgilnnoorsttu
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
A hippo is very heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him…
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies: "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says: "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly: "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
Here’s how to fall down stairs:
Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 6 Step 10 Step 15 Step 19 Step 23 Step 35
My wife tells me I should never steal kitchen utensils…
…but it's a whisk that I'm willing to take
![[Legit] Facebook friend is single, ladies](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/ccgn3unc5ao11-400x205.jpg)
What do you call a rude grape?
…….Ungrapeful
A woman was sitting at her dead husband’s funeral.
A man leans toward her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?" "No, go ahead," replies the woman. The man stands, clears his throat, and says, "Plethora," then sits back down. "Thanks," says the woman, "that means a lot."
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep…
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning
Farmer Joe’s bull breaks down the barbed wire fence again…
Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to replace that fence, but I'm getting too old for the hard work. Why don't you hire some of the folks at r/jokes? I hear they're the best at reposting"
In my career as a lumberjack I cut down exactly 52,487 trees
I know because I kept a log
Did you know that having too much sex causes memory loss?
Or at least that what page 137 figure II part B of my middle school science textbook said.
Atheism
Is a non-prophet organization
Got fired from the sperm bank yesterday
Apparently you’re not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say “get a load of this guy” every time someone walks in.
Don’t kiss after midnight
It's not proper to kiss on a first date!
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I wasn't putting on enough shifts
Did you hear about the dwarf that escaped by rappelling from Alcatraz?
I would tell you, but it’s a little condescending.
