Omg you got me there
I’ve just found a cure for anorexia.
It was a piece of cake 🍰!!! 😂
A husband came home with half gallon a of ice cream
and asked his wife if she wanted some. "How hard is it?" she asked. "About as hard as my dick," he replied. "Pour me some."
I’m a social vegan.
I avoid meet.
He ain’t wrong
Hey teachers, leave those kids alone..
I just saw a guy selling beef from the top of a ladder…
The steaks couldn't be higher.
I’m hacking the mainframe
An American biker decides to travel the world
Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day. One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Harley, and set out to explore the globe. For the next few weeks, Rick spent his days riding to and through some of the most popular European cities like Paris, London, and Rome. After seeing all Europe had to offer, he moved on to explore the rest of the world. Over the next few months, he rode through the African savannas, the deserts of Egypt, and even made it to the top of Mount Everest. He was having the time of his life until he reached a small town in China. Unexpectedly, and out of nowhere, a beautiful Chinese maiden crossed his path, causing him to fly off and crash his motorcycle. Apologizing, the maiden offered Rick to pay for the repairs and a place to stay while they fixed his bike. “My name is Yu! It’s an honor to meet you!” the beautiful maiden introduced herself to Rick. It turned out she was the daughter of a rich magistrate, so he spent the night in a small palace in the center of town. However, due to the scarcity of motorcycle parts, Rick had to spend several days in the palace, in the presence of Yu. Over the next few days, she took a liking to him and his strange American ways. As expected, Rick took a liking to her, too. The two quickly became inseparable, but Yu’s father did not approve, for Rick was an outsider. By the time the motorcycle was finally up and running, Rick had fallen madly in love with Yu and refused to leave. Yu begged her father to let him stay, but instead, the Magistrate had Rick banished from the town. He warned him if he ever came back, he would have him beheaded. Rick was devastated, he had no motivation to continue on the rest of his journey. It seemed as though there was nothing left for him in the world, if he didn’t have his beloved Chinese maiden. So he did the only thing any other sane guy would do…. Rick rolled back into town screaming, “I’m never gonna give Yu up!”
Cop: Sit on that chair,so we can interrogate you.
Lawyer : (whispering) Deny everything. Me : This isn't a chair.
Vintage boomer humor
I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor
He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.
My wife just told me she was pregnant…
True story. I used this as an opportunity to tell my first Dad joke: "Hello, Pregnant. My name is Dad." Dumb, but I don't care. I'm on top of the f'ing world right now and nothing can take me down.
Instant karma. Saluting this Judge who threw a drunk driver’s mom in jail for laughing at victim’s family in court
Saw this on LinkedIn today. Sigh…
Here we go again
Haha no ear
Ah, yes. For the salad.
It shouldn’t be surprising our first black president was elected prior to Trump
It's always darkest before Don
*needs a powerful weapon*
When you use a new library before reading the documentation
My wife said, “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars.” Chuckling, I asked, “How about the ones like mine?” She retorted, “Those, they gave away.”
Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand." She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?" To which I replied, "That's where they held the auction."
no smocking 😤🚭
Why do they call him Lord Vader?
Because no one could keep a straight face calling him Master Vader.
Found on r/yesyesyesno
php and the boys
What does Pac-Man eat with his chips?
One day and everyone forgot
May you live in interesting times..
I can cut down a tree just by looking at it.
It’s true! I saw it with my own eyes.
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
I quit my job as a postman on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver…
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code
He refused to comment
Why did Robin Hood pull out of the archery competition?
He found it an arrowing experience
For anyone having trouble understanding the issue
But light attracts bugs
So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…" "Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I think I can save you 10K".
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know…
One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. By chance, Lulu's grandma came by. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry." The policeman fainted.
Irony at its finest.
My daughter keeps complaining that I’m too nosy
Or at least that's what I read in her diary
75th day in Quarantine ….#newyorknico #paperboyprince #brooklynny
I called my friend and told him I put a load in his dishwasher
I also told him she wants him to clean his room
so you a gentleman or…?
Snarky Bernie is the best Bernie.
At first I didn’t like having a beard
But then it grew on me
What’s trending for Christmas in 2019?
…and the south rose in the north
If you ever think times are tough, just imagine being a pig.
Two out of three little ones have no household.
Honk if you hate your wife.
My grocery store had a great deal on baked sweets today
It’s really been a great cake day
MuriKKKa’s Venn Diagram.
I was told I should post this here.
The fight isn’t finished yet #JavaIsAwsome
Guys my calendar is really sick..
I think its days are numbered.
Watson and Crick? More like Watson and Crook 😪
Learn to use debugger.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great,
but on the other, it’s just not right.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?[NSFW]
Smallpox HAPPY TURKEY DAY!
Chillin’ w/ my homies
Ah yes, forget the fact that the cost of college increased at least 260% since 1980