OML I LITERALLY CANT STOP ๐๐๐
A programmer was leaving the house and his wife said “While you’re out, get some milk”
He never returned and the world ran out of milk.
Relationships are a lot like algebra….
You look at your X and wonder Y.
Why are cows bad at dancing?
They lactose.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner…
…you become a vacuum cleaner. And furthermore, true house cleaners aren't just born, they're maid.
A married couple goes to the fair…
The couple is in their 40's and haven't been in about 20 years, since before they got married. The husband sees a sign that reads "Helicopter Rides: $50". He then turns to his wife and says, "Ethel, let's ride the helicopter. I've always wanted to ride a helicopter, I think it'd be romantic. We can see the city in a way we've never seen before." Ethel says, "No, the ride is $50, and $50 is $50." So they leave, and come back about 20 years later, now the couple is in their 60's. Again, the husband sees the helicopter and the sign, still $50. "Come on Ethel, we didn't do it the last time we were here, let's do it now." "No, it's still $50, and $50 is $50." So once again they leave without riding the helicopter. They come back again in another 20 years. They're 80 now, the husband sees the same sign. He begs his wife, "Ethel please, I've waited my whole life to ride that helicopter. We're never going to get another chance, can we please just ride the helicopter?" Again, the wife says "No, $50 is $50." The helicopter pilot was in earshot this time and says to the couple, "I couodn't help but overhear you two. I'll take you on the helicopter ride for free, but if you make a sound, or say anything, you have to pay the $50." The couple agrees. The pilot is trying to pull a fast one on the couple, he wants to get paid. So he's doing all kinds of tricks, all these flips and barrel rolls and all kinds of crazy stuff to get them to scream and speak up. Nothing from the couple. Not a word was said, no screaming, nothing. The pilot lands the helicopter and says, "That was amazing, I didn't hear anything from you two, how'd you do it?" The husband replies, "Well I was gonna say something when Ethel fell out, but $50 is $50."
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
What do you call a Holy woman that works in your office?
Nun of your business
I bought a do it yourself book on Amazon.
I only got paper, bindings and glue in the mail
Did you know? The wheel was invented in 3,500 BC.
It caused quite the revolution back then.
Two women go on a night out…
Two women, Mary and Margaret, go on a night out, leaving their husbands at home. After a heavy night of Guinness, and while walking home through a large cemetery they both have a strong urge to relieve themselves. They each pop a squat behind a bush, and after doing the deed Mary calls over "psssst, hey Margaret! How are you going to, you know, wipe your butt?" Margaret tells her "I'm going to use my underwear and toss them away after, they're my cheap ones so I don't care!" Mary has a think about it, but she is wearing her best Victoria's Secret panties and doesn't really want to throw them away, so after a lot of debate she very regrettably decides to wipe herself with a wreath from a nearby grave, and then the two continue home. The following day, their husbands are sitting in the bar. One tells the other "hey bud, I don't think we should let our wives go out together any more. Margaret came home last night with no panties on" The other tells him "you think that's bad!? My wife came home with a card in her ass saying 'from all the boys at the the station, we're going to miss you'! "
What do you call it when a snowman loses his temper?
A meltdown. (Told to me by a grandpa earlier today.)
I have a lot of jokes about the unemployed people
But none of them work!!
I was going to give archery a shot
But thereโs too many drawbacks
There was a toilet stolen from the police station…
They have nothing to go on My dad texted this to me today
Have you heard about the blind cyclops brothers?
Neither have eye
America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona
By keeping the first one going
I hate autocorrect.
It makes me say thing I don't nintendo.
I overheard this guy whispering Pokemon jokes to a friend
But I couldn't catch them all
I crack myself up sometimes. I went grocery shopping earlier today and when I got home the wife asked โwhere are the mushrooms?โ … without missing a beat, I said
โI couldnโt get them, there wasnโt โmush roomโ in the trolley. โ She threw things at me
What do you call a cow in a band?
A moosician. This joke was proudly brought to you by a six year old. Heโll be a great dad one day.
Can anyone inform me on who invented knock knock jokes ?
They deserve a no bell prize
Chocolate is like guns
if you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend
The past, present and future walk into a bar…
It was tense.
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair…
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him
โI donโt understand,โ he complained to God. โI devoted my entire life to my congregation.โ God explained to him, โOur policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?โ โWell,โ the minister had to admit, โsome in theย congregation fell asleep from time to time.โ โExactly,โ said God, โand when people rode in this manโs taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.โ
Monday: Greg. Tuesday: Ian: Wednesday: Greg. Thursday: Ian. Friday: Greg
A GregOrIan calendar
My dog is really good at playing fetch
I think Iโm going to promote him to branch manager