On a Sunday night, where it rained heavily, I turned to my son.
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym…
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl…
One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor. After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home finds herself in a local gun shop, purchasing a handgun. The next day she awakens with renewed vengeance for her lover's betrayal. She dresses and immediately heads straight to his apartment, gun tucked in the back of her pants as a failsafe in case things get ugly. Not bothering to knock, she bursts into her boyfriend's apartment to find him and a brunette cuddled up on the couch. As the reality sinks in, the blonde is overcome with complete despair and rage. She whips the gun out and holds it to her own head. The boyfriend leaps off the couch and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The blonde, a vile look in her crazed eyes, entirely devoid of that love she once knew, snarls, "Shut up. You're next."
To the man who invented 0
Thanks for nothing
If I had a penny for everyone who asked me to look after their dogs,
I'd have a pound.
LPT: If you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time.
sin 90 = cot 45
What’s the difference between a screw and a bolt?
Screw is what my dad did before I was born. Bolt is what he did after I was born.
My wife was mad at me because she said I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right
I’m so tired of jokes about gay people
I mean come on guys
What do you call a German virus?
A germ.
LPT: For your safety, try not to mess with asexual people.
They don’t fuck around.
My wife volunteers as a school crossing guard.
I tell everyone she’s into human trafficking.
I don’t get how Russians didn’t see the demise of the Soviet Union coming
There were red flags all over the place
I just watched a movie about graphs, and it was really disappointing.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent
Teacher : Why didn’t you come to the school yesterday?
Student : My dad is in the hospital 1 week later.. Teacher : Is your dad still in the hospital? Student : Yes, he is a doctor.
I thought my TV broke…
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws.
Do not use “BEEFSTEW” as a password
It's not stroganoff
What do we want! Low flying aircraft noises!
When do we want them! Nooooooooooowwwwwwwwww
I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.
I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
If you work for Starbucks, and are caught stealing beans…
It's grounds for dismissal.
Everyone knows it’s not socialism if you’re subsidizing people who own for a living.
https://ift.tt/2WfSFRV
How are you going to plant any flowers
If you haven’t botany?
Once I saw a man on a bridge about to jump
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What denomination?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
A person was accused of burying someone in cement
but there was no concrete evidence.
Where does a fish keep his money?
In the riverbank
I believe the Avengers 4 title will be Avengers: Blindness
Because they lost their Vision
What do you call new innovations in knife technology?
Cutting edge tech
Just caught my son spanking a cardboard cutout of Dwayne Johnson.
He’s officially hit Rock bottom.
*at the eye doctor*
Doctor: You have a blind spot. Me: I need a second opinion, because I just don’t see it.
Why did I get a tattoo of a calculator?
So you can always count on me.
Has anyone heard “Duvet Know it’s Christmas?”
It's a cover version.
My girlfriend is a half-Korean
Her mom is Korean and her dad is Korean and her legs got ripped off in a car accident.
I had to turn off my carbon monoxide detector …
‘cause the constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me hallucinate
I sprayed some deodorant in my mouth.
Now, when I talk, I have this weird Axe-scent
My science teachers response whenever I fill up a cup of water with no safety goggles
https://ift.tt/3b9An9b
Why did the Mexican keep a wheel of cheddar in his truck?
In Queso emergencies
