On an unrelated note
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married…
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
A car full of Irish nuns
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!" Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
If a cowboy is happy
Does that make him a jolly rancher?
An older man and a 16 year old girl were alone in a room…
The man had initially agreed to the meeting, but he was having some serious second thoughts. He knew what they were planning to do was illegal, and could land him in some serious trouble. Man: I don't know, I'm not sure if I should. I mean, your parents would kill me if they found out. I know they wouldn't approve… Girl: I don't care about them. I care about this. Please. Man: You know it's going to hurt at first, right? Girl: I'm not worried about that. I trust you, I've known you since I was a little girl. I want it to be you. Man: I want to, I really want to, but it's against the law. You're too young. Girl: Oh, come on! Age is just a number. And besides, you know how badly I want it. I've been asking you to give it to me for weeks now. Please! I need it inside me! And with that, the man finally relented. He knew the law, he knew the consequences, but he just didn't care anymore. What he was about to do was worth the risk. The man gave the girl her measles vaccine.
What does Alexander the Great have in common with Winnie the Pooh?
Same middle name.
A guy marvels at himself in the mirror
Guy: "Ah just three more inches and I'd be KING" His wife on the bed behind him: "Three inches less and you'd be QUEEN"
My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks straight from the bottle.
If I Was That Guy, I Would’ve Bought A Lottery Ticket On The Way
If I Was That Guy, I Would’ve Bought A Lottery Ticket On The Way
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities
Facebook is set to release its own webmail client…
…emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"
I don’t think it’s going well for the calendar
Its days are numbered.
3 Condoms – NSFW
Guy goes to the pharmacy to buy a condom. His girlfriend told him she would not have sex with him unless he first met her family and has dinner with them. Pharmacist at counter: " just one condom? You sure?" Guy: "actually, my girlfriend's sister is pretty hot…lets make it two condoms." Pharmacist: "just two then? That's it?" Guy: "let's make it three. The mom is really hot too." That night he goes to dinner and her whole family is there. He sits at the table not saying a word, his face red as a tomato. His girlfriend takes him in the bedroom after they eat. Girlfriend: "what's wrong with you? You didn't say a word all night. Did something happen?" Guy: "no, I just didn't know your dad worked at the pharmacy."
If It’s True About Their Aim, I Won’t Mind Having Them On My Side
If It’s True About Their Aim, I Won’t Mind Having Them On My Side
iPhone 12 Trailer – 48 Cameras (Parody)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-1h1wU-ODM&ab_channel=DanielJacobsFilms
What’s the difference between a mechanic and a priest?
The mechanic waits til you've grown up to fuck you.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
Unicyclists think they’re so superior…
Like, get off your pedal-stools.
My wife found out I was cheating on her, after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She got so mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.
I always confuse claustrophobia and homophobia
Remind me, which is the one about being in the closet?
A man bought a parrot but it had a bad attitude and a fowl vocabulary…
He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its dirty language but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet. He opens the freezer door. The parrot flies out, lands on his perch, and says, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness." The guy's astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "By the way, may I ask – what did the chicken do?"
My chameleon won’t change colors anymore…
I think he has a reptile dysfunction.
They always said if I wanted to make a difference, I should put my money where my mouth is.
I can really taste the change.
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning?
He was just too far out, man.
Where did the boulder learn its arithmetic?
The School of Hard Rocks
How many people can ride in an ambulance?
Just paramedics and someone else if they’re patient enough
2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision
I can’t wait to see them all