On April 25, 2120, aVaSt NeEdS tO rEsTaRt YoUr CoMpUtEr

(OC) How do you say goodnight to a tortilla chip?

Buenos Nachos!

60% of the time, ‘os’ is imported every time

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4/5 doctors agree that Russian Roulette is completely safe

Hello, you’ve reached the house of overcompensating

My sister bet me $15 I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.

I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my Trail Mix.

Wow what is this??? An I hate my wife post???? SHOCKED AND APPALLED

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Do you know why Jesus loves Donuts?

Because theyre not self-centered.

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

I feel like this meme needs more pictures in it

Two Jehovah’s Witnesses die and go to Heaven.

As they're knocking at the Pearly Gates, St Peter turns around and whispers… "Turn out the lights and everybody be quiet!! Maybe they'll think we're not home."

Her: I want to wake up next to you the rest of my life

Him : I’m a programmer Her : Never mindProgrammersNeverSleep

They can’t really be this stupid!

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6:30 is the best time on the clock

Hands down

Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?

Because he conditioned it.

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

What is Bruce Wayne’s favorite food?

Goth Ham

I have sexdaily

Crap! I mean dyslexia

$Everytime I see a pun coming up : It’s meow nor never, just kitten ¯\_(ツ)_/¯$

Everytime I see a pun coming up : It’s meow nor never, just kitten ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I know every single digit of pi.

I just don’t know the order of them

Might not be the appropriate place for this, but here is a bold take

Take

Mary had a little lamb, she ate it with mint jelly. And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb went in her belly.

When I was a child, I wanted to be a brain surgeon…

But apparently, I was too young…

It’s only funny because it’s true

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I’m postponing my vision check-up till next year. (I’m told it will be 2020 by then)

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More from pewdiepiesubmissions

What lies on the ground 100ft in the air?

A dead centipede

My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing

And it’s discussing fucking.

My wife gets mad when I steal her kitchen utensils…

But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

Im not sure what that adds to the photo

For the professor who flagged more than half to class.

https://ift.tt/2Wsk8xD

What did one horologist say to the other?

What do you call a hippies wife?

Mississippi

My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.

They did unspeakable things to her.

Funny and sad, and eerily accurate

https://ift.tt/33Nmc73

My wife kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don’t worry…

Don’t ask for the context of this conversation

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, most useful when erect, and contains the letters p,n,e,s,i?

Spine

Can vegans eat pudding?

No! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat!?

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, "Think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's." Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds.