On behalf of the rest of planet Earth.. We’re counting on you, Americans.
It was really eye-opening
One is a crusty bus station The other is a busty crustacean
To prove it was just as good as chicken!
Those that finish their sentences and those
You have $400, your daughter text she needs $200, and your son text he needs $150. How much do you have left?
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages.
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!"
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
…so when someone asks what your password is, just tell them it’s: 12345678.
I guess now it's clear why everybody calls me handsome.
"I don't get porn, why would you watch 2 people have sex?" she asked, then I reply "Two?" she looks surprised and I add "People?"
They are greeted by st. Peter at the pearly gates. He welcomes them and then says "But be careful, there are lots of ducks in heaven. If you step on any you will be punished". The girls go in and the first one steps on a duck right away and the ugliest man in existence gets chained to her for eternity. The second girl steps on a duck after about a week and the second ugliest man is chained to her for eternity. The third girl, however, never steps on a duck and the most beautiful man she had ever seen was chained to her. "What did I do to deserve such a nice thing?" she asks God. God looks at her and says, "He stepped on a duck."
You give it Sheep PR
His dad replies, “Well, you’re my son – I’m confident about that. And your best friend Jimmy is also my son – that’s confidential.”
.. they would eventually find me attractive
Ive got some big shoes to fill.
I mean, on the one hand, yes, but on the other hand, no.
Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.
I can’t deal with high maintenance women.
Me: Dispatch, suspect is dancing down Main street, completely nude. Dispatch: Copy that. Me: Well I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer.
They're so full of themselves!
That's a long time considering they're working around the clock.
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh? Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work! Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly.. Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
Is was working overtime.
"Do you smell carrots?"