On Father’s Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?" She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
I have a father figure
Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.
Because the meat was Chewie.
Miss by few inches and you’re in deep shit.
Because Monday is a weekday…
They lied, everyone else has clothes on.
I am now in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Because it is capsized.
…but I guess I can give it the ol' collage try.
Tickets are non-refundable…
But now I’m not so sure.
In case she needed to draw blood.
Personally I think it’s nuts.
I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and I’m perfect! Then she added that I also…
…had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces…
RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
The Imam says “Why the wrong faith?”
Brocco Lee I'll see myself out.
Ba dum tss
chemist 1: I’ll have some H2O chemist 2: I’ll have some H2O also chemist 2’s arch nemesis disguised as the bartender: [under breath] so close….
Because one is a repost.
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…
The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
…well would you look at that, it's a tie.
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis. Edit: *Father Edit: * LADDER!!!! Dammit.
Because they can’t keep a straight face.
I can do it with my eyes closed
Zero fucks were given.
You run away. Turns out you can't just stop cold turkey.
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in. One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
The plot thickens.
They prescribed me some anti gloating cream. I cant wait to rub it in.
they just finished a 31 day March.
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
I guess we are raised differently…
Two blondes are walking down a country road. They come upon a fence along a field. One blonde looks across the field and says "Hey, look at the flock of cows!" Her friend says "HERD of cows, you dolt". And she replies "Of course I've heard of cows, theres a flock of them over there".