On Father’s Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
Everyone went down on her
When we broke up she went fucking bananas
Zero, because the change starts with you.
Ronald McDonald and The Burger King were horrified when they heard the news about Wendy’s gruesome demise.
Apparently, the baconator.
His pal warns, "That might not be such a good idea. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
Sometimes it hurts and most women can't handle it.
But it's a price I'm willing toupée.
Because 6, 7 8…
Now she's mad at me because we can't read it anymore
He woke up
Two loading animations!
I don't know and I don't care
Also, the police say on top of having to stay 100 feet away, I need to stop referring to her as my "girlfriend"
I can't get out.
The wedding wasn't that good but the reception-amazing
When you're a billionaire.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-Smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are "cremation" and "burial"
He concludes by saying: ‘‘Yesterday, 300 Brazilians died of COVID.’’ ‘‘Oh no!’’ President Trump exclaims. ‘‘That’s terrible!’’ His staff are stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, Trump looks up and asks: ‘‘How many is a brazillion?’’
Yesterday, he brought his dog along.
“The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary,” the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, “You can’t be squeamish.” He then stuck his finger in his mouth.
The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is attention to detail. I stuck my middle finger in, but sucked my index finger." The class was horrified. Some of them threw up. "The third thing you should know" the teacher said as he picked up his briefcase "is that I don't work here." "And the fourth thing you should know," said the man lying on the table with a smile, "Is that I'm not dead."
You can hide but you can't run
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said “well then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.” I reply, “well what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens. And without hesitation my dad replies, “well he can’t lay eggs”
Sometimes he laughs … :/
Outlaws are wanted.
Because if you sugarcoat the facts, they'll eat them too.