On Father’s Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
Spoiler Alert!
https://imgur.com/0oRfgob
Did you know the titanic was the biggest whore in all the seven seas?
Everyone went down on her
My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed
When we broke up she went fucking bananas
How many motivational speakers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero, because the change starts with you.
Ronald McDonald and The Burger King were horrified when they heard the news about Wendy’s gruesome demise.
Apparently, the baconator.
A guy says to his buddy, “I’m thinking about buying a labrador.”
His pal warns, "That might not be such a good idea. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
I call my penis ‘The Truth’.
Sometimes it hurts and most women can't handle it.
How does moses make his coffee
Hebrews it
I never knew covering up my bald spot would cost so much.
But it's a price I'm willing toupée.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list, so I did
Now she's mad at me because we can't read it anymore
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up
What are a spy’s favorite shoes?
Sneakers
Guy walks into a bar
Lucky bastard
What’s worse than a loading animation?
Two loading animations!
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care
My girlfriend and I are trying the whole “long distance relationship thing”
Also, the police say on top of having to stay 100 feet away, I need to stop referring to her as my "girlfriend"
I wouldn’t recommend becoming an escapologist.
I can't get out.
Two satellites decided to get married
The wedding wasn't that good but the reception-amazing
When can women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-Smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are "cremation" and "burial"
Anthony Fauci is giving the President his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: ‘‘Yesterday, 300 Brazilians died of COVID.’’ ‘‘Oh no!’’ President Trump exclaims. ‘‘That’s terrible!’’ His staff are stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, Trump looks up and asks: ‘‘How many is a brazillion?’’
This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.
Yesterday, he brought his dog along.
“The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary,” the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, “You can’t be squeamish.” He then stuck his finger in his mouth.
The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is attention to detail. I stuck my middle finger in, but sucked my index finger." The class was horrified. Some of them threw up. "The third thing you should know" the teacher said as he picked up his briefcase "is that I don't work here." "And the fourth thing you should know," said the man lying on the table with a smile, "Is that I'm not dead."
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket
You can hide but you can't run
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
My dad made his first dad joke in a long time
For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said “well then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.” I reply, “well what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens. And without hesitation my dad replies, “well he can’t lay eggs”
I like telling Dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs … :/
What’s the difference between inlaws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
Why should you just be honest to fat people?
Because if you sugarcoat the facts, they'll eat them too.