On Father’s Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
Sex with boss
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?" She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
I don’t have a dad body
I have a father figure
When I was a kid, Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.
Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.
Why was Han Solo crying at the dinner table?
Because the meat was Chewie.
What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by few inches and you’re in deep shit.
Why is Sunday stronger than Monday?
Because Monday is a weekday…
They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket.
They lied, everyone else has clothes on.
I once accidentally mixed up the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza”.
I am now in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
TIL: If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head.
Because it is capsized.
I’ve never been good at scrapbooking…
…but I guess I can give it the ol' collage try.
The seminar “How To Avoid Frauds” is cancelled…
Tickets are non-refundable…
I used to think I was indecisive…
But now I’m not so sure.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff
BA-DUMM-TSS
Sex therapists claim that the best way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears.
Personally I think it’s nuts.
I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and I’m perfect! Then she added that I also…
…had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces…
Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away
RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
The Pope walks into a Mosque.
The Imam says “Why the wrong faith?”
Do you know what Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother is called?
Brocco Lee I'll see myself out.
A lamb, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff.
Ba dum tss
Two chemists walk into a Bar
chemist 1: I’ll have some H2O chemist 2: I’ll have some H2O also chemist 2’s arch nemesis disguised as the bartender: [under breath] so close….
Why is there 2 d’s in ‘Reddit’?
Because one is a repost.
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…
The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
And the award for best neckwear goes to…
…well would you look at that, it's a tie.
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis. Edit: *Father Edit: * LADDER!!!! Dammit.
Why are gay people always smiling?
Because they can’t keep a straight face.
Imm so good at sleeping
I can do it with my eyes closed
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.
What do you do if a turkey starts chasing you during a snow storm?
You run away. Turns out you can't just stop cold turkey.
My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in. One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I went to the doctors the other day because I cant stop showing off.
They prescribed me some anti gloating cream. I cant wait to rub it in.
Why are so many people tired on April 1st?
they just finished a 31 day March.
Did you know piranhas can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator…
I guess we are raised differently…
A blonde joke
Two blondes are walking down a country road. They come upon a fence along a field. One blonde looks across the field and says "Hey, look at the flock of cows!" Her friend says "HERD of cows, you dolt". And she replies "Of course I've heard of cows, theres a flock of them over there".