On our Slack this morning. Too true…
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday…
I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
People in Athens hate getting up early
…because Dawn is tough on Greece.
Entertainment night at the senior home
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre. After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show -Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch," said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "WATCH THE WATCH — WATCH THE WATCH —- WATCH THE WATCH." The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotised. And then suddenly, the chain broke! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact. "SHIT," said Claude. It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens Centre. Claude was never invited there again
A drummer and her husband just had triplets. Their names?
Anna I. Anna II. Anna I, II, III.
What did the police say to his bellybutton
Your under a vest
I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm
If you can’t come, let me know
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name…
But I called her Bluff…
Did you know if you break a mirror you get more mirrors?
Let us reflect on this
What’s a Javelina’s favorite body of water?
The Bay of Pigs.
If pigs could fly…
I bet their wings would taste delicious!
I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it…
…You never know when you might need a nail.
Why was F jealous of C?
Because it was hotter
A wise sage once told me, “don’t play with words…
play with yourself"
When women remove polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.
When Hitler removes Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit..
My 3 watts blue laser pointer finally arrived and I played with it over the weekend.
I can no longer see why people say these devices were so dangerous.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing
His words, not mine.
A fish pooped on my shoes today
That Bass-turd
I keep hearing music coming from the printer.
I think the paper is jamming.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
It was very difficult to switch off my mother-in-law’s life support system.
I had to fight my wife and two doctors to do it.
I quit my job at McDonald’s today…
Boss was a clown
Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?
The second one’s a repost.
We all know about Murphy’s Law – Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
What do you call an academic trucker?
A roads scholar.
Me at the bookstore: Do you have any books on turtles?
Cashier: Hard back? Me: yea, with little heads.
I don’t like the word xenophobia.
It sounds so foreign.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A depresso
Why don’t you hear psychiatrists when they go to the bathroom?
The p is silent.
Did you know it’s illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust
[Long] One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage.
One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in the garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know that boat is such an ongoing expense and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment. And what's the use of that vintage hot rod sports car?" Bob got a horrified look on his face. She noticed and said, "Darling, what's wrong?” He replied, "You were starting to sound like my ex-wife.” "Ex-wife!?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!” Bob replied, "I wasn't…"
Why did Adolf Hitler yell at the waiter ?
He hated the juice.
I used to date a girl who was lactose intolerant.
We broke up because she couldn’t stomach my cheesy jokes.
The first rule of Alzheimer’s Club is.
No text found
The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, "Uh… No, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea." And the lawyer says, "So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
