Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Two balloons in the desert.
One says: "look out for that cactus!" The other replies: "what cactusssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss?"
What’s the difference between COVID and a Karen?
One's a contagion, the other's a cunt aging.
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a nickel-less cage.
A nun, a priest, and a rabbi…..
are on a sinking ship. They are getting in a lifeboat… Nun: “Shouldn’t we let the children leave first?” Rabbi: “Fuck the children.” Priest: “Do you think we have the time?”
Last night, my neighbor got on his tractor and started yelling, “The end is near!!” Man, I really hate…
…living next to Farmer Geddon!
TIL: Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
(NSFW) A bra, some jumper cables and a battery walk into a bar…
They grab a table and sit down, so the bra says it'll get the first round. It goes up to the bartender and says "3 beers please mate" Bartender replies "no way, you're off your tits and your mates are going to start something"
My wife showed me a meme post on Instagram
I told her I already Reddit.
My friends call me 007 when i play call of duty with them.
0 Kills 0 Assist 7 Deaths
I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn't like me critter sizing.
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.
A guy could not find his wife at the mall. He approaches the hottest woman he could find.
"Excuse me miss, I can't find my wife. Can I to talk to you?" He asked her. She said "Sure, but how is that going to help finding your wife?" I said "Trust me, as soon as we start talking, she will appear out of nowhere".
Did you hear about the archaeologist that got arrested?
His career is now in ruins.
Cop on Horse
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
My male friend with two red headed parents got turned into a cookie today
Not much has changed though, he’s still a ginger-bred man.
Why did EA cross the road?
Buy the DLC to find out
What does a hand grenade have in common with a wife?
Take off the ring and your house is gone
I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt
Then it clicked
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
Guy at a grocery store: Are those genetically modified eggplants?
Store worker: Why do you ask? Eggplant: Yeah, why do you ask?
Thats what happens when you follow Dr. Trump’s shady medical advice. You slightly croak.
https://ift.tt/3dralA7
I invented a new type of car…
Me: "I invented a new car. It's powered by silence!" My friend: "Wow, this is going to revolutionize the industry!" Me: "Yeah, it goes without saying."
I decided to quit my job and become a museum curator, but to be honest
I'm just doing it for the Monet
Sex on the job
Client: "Why did you have sex with her?!" Employee: "She was just lying there naked! What else was I supposed to do?" Client: "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!" Employee: "I don't tell you how to do your job; don't tell me how to do mine!" Client: "You're the worst veterinarian of all time!"
My wife is mad at me because I never buy her flowers
I didn’t know she even sold flowers!
I don’t understand Joaquin Phoenix
If Phoenixes can fly why is he Joaquin?
Why do nurses always bring red crayons to work?
In case they need to draw blood
My wife and I are both feminist
But, as a man, I'm just a bit better at it.
What’s it called when Batman doesn’t go to church?
Christian bail
Hay bales under a buck
https://ift.tt/2rYyv1i
A kiss might make her day.
But anal will make her hole weak.
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
A man walks in to a bar and says “I’ll have a rum and coke.”
The bartender says "is pepsi okay?" and the man agrees. The bartender comes back with a drink and says "here's your pepsi and coke, that'll be $11.50"
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knee to test their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.