Once I was a male trapped in a female body..
Then I was born.
Girls call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
And then they call me ugly and poor.
The saying “say no to drugs” has always made me laugh.
If you're talking to drugs, it's probably too late to say no to them.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him
Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went after it set.
finally it dawned on me.
What’s the difference between being hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber.
I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises…
Other than jumping to conclusions.
I was talking to a feminist today when she told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule.”
I’d never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, “Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?” If not, don’t say it. I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, “Your chest is epic.”
A paedophile goings into a florist and says “I’d like to order some flowers”
“Orchids?” asks the florist “No, just the flowers” he replied
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight…
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care
[nsfw] Girlfriends sister tries to seduce me
I went to my girlfriend’s house expecting to see her. It was my girlfriend’s sister ( very beautiful) who opened the door in a slutty dress. She asked me to enter the house and said no one is coming home for another 5 hours, she then placed her hands on my shoulders and came close to me. I stopped her and left the house. I got into my car and immediately someone knocked on the door, I looked around to see my girlfriend. And her dad, mom and sister were standing outside. I got out of my car and my girlfriend hugged me tight and said it was a test and you passed. Her parents and sister also hugged me for being a good boyfriend. Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car
There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.
Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers. The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best prices!)" Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best quality!) The one in the middle thinks about it for a while, and eventually puts up a sign of his own. "Jackson's clothing store (Main entrance)."
My last girlfriend left me because of my obsession with touching pasta.
Feeling cannelloni right now.
I tell dad jokes sometimes
He laughs
A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock
"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. "I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up." So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder. At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (asleep) wife and passes out. The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him, "So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?" The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool, "Not really, just hanging with some coworkers… we didn't drink much… just a couple of beers." The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds, "The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, you dumbfuck."
Spiderman saves the day with help of a sad joke.
https://ift.tt/32dkF7K
I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anaesthetic…
He said, “Go ahead. Knock yourself out!”
What’s the difference between a school and a compound?
I got no clue, I just fly the drone
I used to smoke weed and go to the class…
Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions. I was the best teacher ever.
I was so angry when the door knob broke off my front door.
I couldn’t handle it.
Amazing… she managed to point out her and her father’s amazing ineptitude in one fell swoop.
https://ift.tt/2MvvFYh
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You're too young to smoke.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline’s a motherf*cker.
A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight. After the plane takes off, the cowboy asks for a whiskey and soda, which is promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asks the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replies, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then hands his drink back to the attendant and says, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
6:30 is the best time on a clock
hands down
I don’t like people that take drugs.
Airport security, for example.
Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.
I lost the Rock’s paper scissors.
You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile
by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Why do Afghans have to listen to the radio?
Because of the tele-ban
Why is there no such thing as reverse cowgirl in Alabama?
Because you never turn your back on your own family.
Where do you keep Arnold Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?
Aisle B, back.
My wife caught me cross dressing and said it was over
So I packed her shit and left.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!