One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax.
On his way to the lake he sees one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gesturing him to stop.
Our guy rolls down the window and asks, “How can I help you?”
“I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?”
With a smile on his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes later he comes across another guy.
This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop.
A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window and asks, “What can I do for you?”
“I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to drink?”
Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of soda and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again.
In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what.
To his frustration he sees another guy on the side of the road, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him.
Not quite willing our guy decides to stop a last time. He rolls his window down and yells to the guy, “I know, you’re the blue bastard of the asphalt. But just what the heck do you want?”
“Driver’s license and registration please.”
I put batteries in a mouse
For some reason I was kicked out of the pet store
Our leaders vs local newscasters showing the importance of social distancing.
https://ift.tt/3djWjzY
My wife told me to stop obsessing over a certain footballer.
So I said, "I'm not at your Beckham call."
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has a pause at the end of its clause and one has claws at the end of its paws.
There were 2 fly’s on a toilet seat.
One got pissed off.
I was walking down main street and there was a homeless man with a signt hat said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name? Me: “Username-valid ” Homeless man: “So username-valid, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: “I don’t know? A lot?” Homeless man: “Well username-valid, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy.”
Have you heard about a the constipation movie?
It hasn’t come out yet!
I tell a lot of dad jokes, but I don’t have kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pas.
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name…
But I called her Bluff…
I’m giving up masturbating for an entire month.
Sorry, bad punctuation. I'm giving up. Masturbating for an entire month.
My dad’s a geologist, and this is the new hobby I imagine for him with all the shut downs.
https://ift.tt/2UkssPk
A joke isn’t really a dad joke
until it’s fully groan.
Underage drinking is a massive problem in my house.
My son's been drinking whisky that's only aged for two years. He's the dumbest thirteen-year-old I've ever met.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain because…
…of the indoor fins…
The Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up…
They formed an alloy-ence
When does a joke become a “dad joke”?
When it becomes apparent
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet
I can never understand y.
How do you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?
One of them is an elephant.
Did you know
You can hear the blood in your veins. If you listen… varicosely
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
I asked my friend nic if he had 5 cents,
But he was nicholas.
Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?
Time will tell.
Bill Nye has a daughter who doesn’t believe in science.
Her name is Dee.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than sex?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.
The first guy peers into it and says, "Wow! That looks deep." The second guy says, "It sure does. Let's throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We'll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing." So they pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait. Nothing. There's no noise. The first guy says, "Jeeez. That is really deep. I know, let's throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise." So they pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait… and wait… Again, nothing. They look at each other in amazement. Then the first guy gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey, over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over. When we toss that sucker in, it's gotta make some noise." So the two of them drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Once again, not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen and look at each other in amazement. Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. He asks them, "Hey, you two guys seen my goat out here?" The first guy says, "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever saw. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole and disappeared!" "Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
What’s the difference between kung pao and the coronavirus?
One's Chinese take out, the other takes out Chinese.
A nun, a priest, and a rabbi…..
are on a sinking ship. They are getting in a lifeboat… Nun: “Shouldn’t we let the children leave first?” Rabbi: “Fuck the children.” Priest: “Do you think we have the time?”
Breaking news: Ireland worse air disaster occurred last night..
When a small four seaters plane crashed into a cemetary. Irish search and research workers have discovered 965 bodies so far, but they expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. Yes, my kid just told me that and then started giggling non-stop.
The furniture store keeps calling…
All I wanted was one nightstand.
Australians don’t have sex
They mate
My sister bet me $15 I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a “handy-woman”
She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately." Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip. “And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
A group of photographers went out to dinner..
As they sat at their table, taking photos of their food for social media, one of the photographers realized he hadn't been given water. He approached the bar and asked for a glassful, with which the bartender obliged. Rather than immediately leaving, he stood there and stared at the bartender for a moment before returning to his seat. Soon enough, he found himself thirsty again, and took another trip to the bar, and once again stared at the bartender. This happened again and again throughout the night, with the bartender becoming progressively more frustrated by the photographers persistent requests for glasses of water and uncomfortable stares. Finally, on the photographers fifteenth trip, the bartender loses his cool and yells, "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!"
What’s the difference between an Indian and African Elephant?
One’s an elephant.
I asked my mom “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. That probably explains why her marriage failed.