One approached me in the wild 😮
I met this girl at the vegan restaurant who said she knew me.
But I never met herbivore.
How do trees 🎄 access internet?
They log in
Dad: Say daddy
Baby: Mommy. Dad: No. Say daddy. Baby: Mommy. Dad: Fuck! Say daddy! Baby: Fuck! Dad: What did you say? Baby: Fuck! Mom: I'm home! Baby: Fuck! Mom: What? Where did you hear that? Baby: Daddy.
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
[NSFW] I told ya mom!
911, what's your emergency? "I'm masturbating too much" Sir, that's not really a problem. "One sec. DID YOU HEAR THAT MOM? NOW GET OFF MY CASE!
Why do the Hong Kong police get up early in the morning?
To beat the crowds.
The CEO of Valve walks into a bar with two of his associates…
The bartender asks “What can I get for you?” The CEO responds “We’ll have one drink and two drinks please.” The bartender replies “So three drinks?” “What the hell is three?”
What is the tallest building in every town?
The library- it’s got the most stories 😂😂😂
Power outages delight me.
No text found
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
Why did Ross Geller from Friends drown?
He wasn’t a good Schwimmer.
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days
It will be a sadder day
In response to your request for an apology and retraction, our answer is “no.”
https://ift.tt/2xZ1fuB
Another one of those “impeachable if it was any other presidents” to throw on the pile.
https://ift.tt/2CtoYkV
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience
The second time let me down
What’s blue and not heavy?
Light blue.
Yesterday I got mugged by six dwarves
Not happy
If a person overdoeses on Viagra
Do they die hard?
My marriage just ended because I didn’t open the door for my wife.
I swam for the surface instead
It’s been 4 years since my last job interview
I’m beginning to suspect they got someone else
Two Pretzels Were Walking Down The Road
One got a-salted.
How many “friend-zones” guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
Why do gay people smile so much?
It's hard for them to keep a straight face.
Why don’t people from Alabama do reverse cowgirl? [NSFW]
Because they never turn their back on family
nothing tops a plain pizza
No text found
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped.
It’s his worst fear – hare loss.
My gf tried to persuade me to have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic
I refused. If I'm going to have sex with her, it's going to be on my own Accord
Geology rocks …
but geography is where it’s at!!
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high…
She seemed surprised
Me: I think I have a crush on Beyoncé.
Her: Whatever floats your boat. Me: No. That’s buoyancy.
Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?
Because he was in a cent. I know it’s stupid but c’mon
Why would T. Rex struggle to play the piano?
They’re extinct.
This is a little long so get ready
So this dad likes to listen to his daughter's prayers every time she does them. One night when he is standing by her door, he overhears her say "God bless mom, God bless dad, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The dad is thinking "Ok that was pretty weird, but whatever." The next morning, he learns that the grandpa DIED. He remembers what his daughter said last night and thinks "Ok umm this could all just be a coincidence" and he thinks nothing of it. A month later and the daughter is doing the prayers again. "God bless mom, God bless dad, and goodbye grandma." Once again, the dad learns the next morning, that the grandma has died from a heart attack. Now he's a little freaked out and thinks "This definitely cannot be a coincidence now, but it still could be, so whatever." A few weeks later, he hears from his daughter's room, again, "God bless mom, and goodbye dad." Now he is totally freaking out because he thinks he's gonna die today. He spends all day being really cautious so he, you know, doesn't die. At 12:00am, he thinks "Yes! I made it! I didn't die!" Once he gets home from work, he goes over and he tells his wife, "Honey, I've had a really bad day today and-" The wife cuts in and says, "Yea me too! The mailman died on our porch!" ~this is my first post so ╮(─▽─)╭ ~
How do you know so many dad jokes?
I have a dad-a-base.
How do you make holy water?
Boil the heck out of it.
An Australian General says to a soldier, “Did you come here to die?”
The soldier responds, “No, sir. I came here yester-die!”
I got my wife a prosthetic leg for Christmas…
It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler
Set your WiFi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks, tell them it's 12345678
Before I die
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn. That should make the cremation a little more interesting.
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
You drop it in water. If it sinks: girl ant. If it floats…
I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches…
Whatever you do, do NOT carry them in your back pocket…
[NSFW] I went to the library and asked the librarian if they had the new book about small penises.
She said “I don’t think it’s in yet.” I replied “Yeah, that’s the one.”
I know that we all have different views and argue a lot on reddit, but here’s something we have in common.
People who are reading this are on the same page.