One approached me in the wild š®
TIL Mr. T’s grandmother was a pirateā¦
Her name was Mae T
Why must the grocery store workers let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic?
Because baggers canāt be choosers.
I’ve run out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead
The times are rough
What do you call a nervous Darth Vader?
Panakin Skywalker
What do you call the Italian hood?
The Spaghetto.
Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.
They both have a good time.
When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, āGo forth and multiplyā.
When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained. āDidnāt you hear me? Go forth and multiply!ā Said Noah, annoyed. āWe canātā replied one of the snakes. āWeāre addersā.
I could really see myself making mirrors.
No text found
The best advice my dad gave me was to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her.
She knows how to make bad decisions, yet stick by them.
How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why does it have to be a group activity
“I’m sorry,” said the barman, “we don’t serve time travellers.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a nickel-less cage.
Where do I store all of my dad jokes?
In my dadā¢aā¢base
What do you call an exploding duck?
A firequacker
When you say “poop” your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.
The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."
Why is there 2 d’s in ‘Reddit’?
Because one is a repost.
A woman is giving birth to twins.
Due to the massive blood loss during the delivery, she had gone unconscious shortly after they were delivered. She awakens to a nurse who congratulated her on having the kids and told her that her brother had come in and named the children for her. "Oh no" the woman said, "My brother is a little slow…he's not entirely all there" "Don't worry" says the nurse, "He actually picked good names, the girls name is Denise" "That's not that bad" says the woman. "What's my boys name?" The nurse replies "Denephew"
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources – they're very good sources – that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is. Joe Biden: Why did the chicken do the…thing in the…you know the rest. SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick! BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period. AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves. JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road. HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road. GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here. DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun? BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. AL GORE: I invented the chicken. JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems. OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone. KING DAVID: O Lord, why dost the chicken cross the road? And why art the chicken hawks beset around it? Surely in vain the road is crossed in the sight of any predator. GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot. ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one? Edit: wow Iām so glad you guys are enjoying this, and my first gold!! Thank you!!!
A guy broke into my garage and stole my limbo pole last night…
Seriously, how low can you go?!
One day, an old woman was walking with two big plastic bags.
One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag. A policeman saw this and he stopped her. Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills ) Policeman: Btw, where did you get all of this money? Did you steal? Old lady: Well, it's a long story. You see, what happened was, my house is next to a golf course. There is a hole on my fence. People keep coming and they pee in my garden from the hole. One day, I thought why not take this opportunity to make some money? So when they start pissing, I grab their penis and tell them to give 20$ bills or I will chop it off! This is how I earned these 20$ bills, officer. Policeman: Good to know. By the way, what's in the other bag? Old lady: Well not all of them pay.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Iām planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm
If you canāt come, let me know
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
I swallowed a dictionary.
It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had!
My wife claims that Iām the cheapest person she has ever met.
Iām not buying it.
I taught a wolf to meditate
Heās now Aware Wolf
A good (and very old) joke to explain why people are stocking up on necessities
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,"it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy." EDIT: formatting…
What else could he say??
A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner. "What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked. "That's his trunk, honey," Mom replied. "No, that other thing," Johnny insisted. "Oh, you must be looking at his tail," Mom offered. "No, Mommy, that big thing underneath him, by his belly," Johnny said. Realizing her son was asking about the elephant's penis, Mom got embarassed. "Oh, that's nothing, sweetie. Daddy went to get some popcorn. When he comes back, he can tell you all about the elephants." Soon, Dad came back with popcorn, and Mom went to use the restroom. Johnny took the opportunity to question his father. "What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Daddy?" "That's his trunk, son," Dad said. "No, Daddy, not his trunk, and not his tail. I mean that big thing underneath, by his belly," Johnny repeated. "Oh, that," Dad said. "That's his penis, Johnny." "Huh," mused the five year old. "Mommy said that was nothing." "Son," sighed Dad, "I've spoiled that woman."
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?
He slept all through math.
My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous!
I see a few new faces here, and i am very disappointed.
Imagine if we Americans switched from pounds to kilograms over night.
There would be mass confusion.
What you do get from a dwarf cow?
… condensed milk.
A little boy asked his mother one day…
"Mother, is god a man or a woman?" Mother thought about it, all the debates and political correctness and works… And replied "both". The boy went away in deep thoughts for a while and came back. "Mother, is god black or white?" She thought of the history and racial politics and stuff and replied "both". The boy again in deep thoughts went away for a while and came back. "Mother, is god gay or straight?" She thought of that aspect and replied "both". The little boy jumped with joy and exclaimed "I got it! I got it! It's Michael Jackson!" Note – It's not my joke, only sharing.
I decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because Iām not big enough or strong enough
Iāve just handed in my Too weak notice.
What’s the main use of leather in the world?
Holding cows together
What’s brown and swings from the belltower?
The lunch bag of Notre Dame
Before going to bed a girl says:
āGoodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Goodnight grandad, bye grandma.ā The next day the grandma dies. The girl says again: āGoodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Bye grandad.ā The next day the grandad dies. The next night, the girl says: āGoodnight Mum, bye Dad.ā When the dad gets home from work he says āHoney I have had the most insane day!ā The Mother says: āMe too! The postman died on the front yard!ā
You can make jokes about anything, just not illegals
That's Crossing the Border
Hey girl, are you my Physics examination paper?
Because I can stare at you for 3 hours and not understand a single thing
A young adventurer guy is trekking through the deepest, darkest amazon jungle
When out of nowhere, he suddenly finds himself surrounded by 30 of the most fierce-looking tribesmen, all with long spears, bows and arrows, as what looks like the chief walks right up to him. The guy looks at his situation…and he cries out, "Oh god I'm so fucked!" Just then, the clouds above opened, and a bright light shined down upon him..and he heard a great, thunderous, but calm voice, and he said, "No, my son..you are NOT fucked. Pick up the large rock at your feet, and strike the man in front of you with all your might". The young man doesn't hesitate. He reaches down, picks up the rock, draws back and hits the chief right in the head. The chief just falls backwards, dead. Plop. The tribesmen all look at the chief, and then look at the young man, with a total look of stunned disbelief. Then the voice from above speaks again.."NOW you're fucked".
Ive noticed an uptick in time travel jokes lately
I like them alot. EDIT: Thank you all for the upvotes. EDIT2: Thank you for the gold kind stranger!