One day and everyone forgot
Got the best compliment from my doctor today
He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.
“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?” “Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.” “Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”
Been out washing the car with my son.
He said Dad why don’t you use a sponge like the other dads?
I told a poltergeist that I’d give him $10,000 to leave my home forever
But when I didn't pay he came back and repossessed my house
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed. Edit: My first award! Thanks!
Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia!
Me: Wait, I can explain everything!
I finally have a girlfriend
Now I wish I could post it on an other subreddit
I asked my Chinese friend what it’s like living in China
He says he can't complain.
In 2020 we’re going to have an entire year of bad puns about vision
I can see it clearly.
I’m going to hell for this one….
A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest were sitting together on an airplane. The pilot comes over the PA and says “I’m sorry folks, but we’ve just lost both engines. We’re going to crash and die.” The teacher exclaims “Oh my God, the poor children!” The lawyer replies “Fuck the children!” The priest asks “Do we have time?”
My Dad just hit me with this one
A song came on on the speakers and I asked "Is this green Day?" He replied "No, it's valentine's Day"
A-merry-ca ‘ristmas, reddit
from all of US!
A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license.
He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses." I said: “Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
If I had to rate our solar system
I'd give it 1 star
Guys who try to pick up girls through Reddit are pathetic
Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.
(From a 6-year old) Why did Cinderella always lose at tennis?
Because her coach was a PUMPKIN.
TIL the Reverse Cowgirl position is frowned upon in West Virginia.
It just ain't right turning your back on family.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went
Then……. it dawned on me
Did you know the first French fries weren’t made in France?
They were made in Greece
All Jews had their foreskins
[removed]
I asked my friend if he knew a pachyderm famous for its trunk. He suggested Dumbo.
But that was Ear-Elephant.
What’s it called when Spider-Man has to stop a car?
Peter Parking.
What is this, some kind of Boomer joke that I’m too Millennial to understand?
https://ift.tt/2H77fSO
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux!
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP!… BUMP… BUMP… Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him FASTER… FASTER… BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping… clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… …on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket… and, [Wait for it…] The coffin stops.
I don’t mean to make sweeping generalizations…
…but all brooms are pretty much the same.
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.
Divorce lawyer: I’m sorry to say, but all of your husband’s assets are Frozen.
Wife: How? Lawyer: I’m not sure, but he has 2000 DVDs of the movie for some reason.
My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
I was going to post a time travel joke
But you didn't like it.
My friend Ty came in first in the Beijing marathon, but was not given the gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to recognize Ty won.
A good percentage of my friends are Nazis…
0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom?
Dam right they are.