One day I’ll pretend to be gay…
I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust and become their confidant, and when they least expect it……
BAMM!! !! !!
… I'll fuck their boyfriends
I handed my dad his 50th birthday card
With tears in his eyes he says One would've been enough.
I’ve opened up a restaurant called “Karma”
There is no menu, you get what you deserve.
Can monsters do math?
Not unless you count Dracula
There are only two types of people worse than racists
The blacks and the jews
A man walks into a bar
So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano. So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?” And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.” So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese. So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.” And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?” Edit: So apparently there was a joke like this a month ago and I didn't notice, this wasn't a repost.
TIL: If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head.
Because it is capsized.
I recently bought shoes from a drug dealer..
I'm not sure what he laced them with but I was tripping all day..
What is the most popular animal in Reddit?
A karmadillo.
Is “buttcheeks” one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
Me: Here’s some good news. My wife is pregnant!
Friend: Congratulations! Do you know the sex? Me: Of course I know “the sex”. How else will she get pregnant?
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before.”
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm…that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary…
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too…
I know a kid who was born without eyelids. His parents decided to have him circumcised and used his foreskin as a skin graft for his eyelids. The surgery went really well….
…. although afterwards he was a bit cockeyed.
Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.
The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter.
P. Without it they're irate.
A girl saw her boyfriend flirting with other girls at the gym
She walked up to him and said this isn’t working out.
My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.” Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me. She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?” I got up and went straight to my car. My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said “I knew I could trust you.” Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
If A is for apple, and B is for banana, then what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
I got a bar installed into my roof
Just so whenever I have guests I can say “drinks are on the house.”
I’ve been watching way too much Phineas and Fern recently
I’ve been watching way too much Phineas and Fern recently
911 what’s your emergency?
"Hello yes my Wife is going into labour!" "Is this her first child?" "No this is her husband"
Don’t you HATE it when people Capitalize words sTrAnGeLy?
I guess shift happens.
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the two lovers and hides in the bedroom to watch. The woman's husband comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says "Dark in here." The man says "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball." Man – "That's nice to know." Boy – "Want to buy it?" Man – "No thanks." Boy – "My dad's outside" Man – "Ok then, how much" Boy – "$150" Man – "Sold" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy – "Dark in here." Man – "Yes it is." Boy – "I have a Wilson infielder's glove." The lover, remembering the last time asks the boy "how much?" Boy – "$350" Man – "Highway robbery. Sold" A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." They boy says "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says "$500" The father says "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that… That is way more than those things cost. I'm going to take you to the church so you can confess to your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door. The boys says "Dark in here." The Priest says "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous
The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,
But backwards it’s even more stupid.
My brother went to his AA meeting drunk, then he tripped down the stairs.
He's been having lots of trouble with the steps lately.
For years, my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn’t help me at all.
“Dad, can you explain to me what entropy means?”
“Sure. Let me tell you, it isn’t what it used to be.”
What’s the German word for bra?
https://ift.tt/2HOQOfu
Old German joke
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “The soup is cold." His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken before?" The boy looked at her and replied, “Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…
They’ve left no tern unstoned…
RTX 2080 Ti Owner’s reaction to the reveal of Nvidia RTX 3070 (Featuring Ron Burgundy)!
https://youtu.be/RTrGBKY-1_o