One day, little Bobby’s parents decided to have sex
So to get him out of the house they tell him to go to the balcony and count the number of red cars on the road, Bobby says sure and goes out.
After they've finished having sex they call him inside and ask him " So how many red cars did you see?", Bobby says " I didn't see any red cars but I found out our neighbours Mr and Mrs Smith were fucking" his dad laughs and says "That’s funny, did they leave the curtains open?”
In return, Bobby says out loud, "No I saw their son on the balcony counting red cars"
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?
Because they stick. I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.
Anyone need a slutty costume for Halloween?
Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything
Where do Muslim llamas come from?
Alpacastan! …I'm not sorry.
16 sodium atoms walk into a bar…
Followed by Batman.
If you need a job you should apply at Search and Rescue..
They're always looking for people.
I made my son some scrambled eggs and as he was eating them I turned to him and said
Are they all they were cracked up to be?
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
They lactose.
A man goes into the doctor.
He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" the doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will." "I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
For those of you who were superstitious yesterday, today should be worse…
It's Pi day the 14th, expect irrational fear
A horse walks into a bar
The bartender says "Hey!" Then the horse replies "Sounds good!"
Why did the blind girl fall into the well?
She couldn’t see that well
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
Don’t buy anything with Velcro
It’s a total rip-off
Dad, what does doubting mean?
Son: Dad, what does doubting mean? Dad: Hmmm… I'll give you a practical example: who do you love more? Daddy or Mommy? Son: answers without hesitation Mommy Dad: ಠ_ಠ Then go ask her! She will explain! Don't bother me I aint got no time to waste!

When you realize Trump got himself impeached by digging up dirt on the wrong guy.
https://ift.tt/2GhxbL1
I saw a sign that said falling rocks,
so I tried it. It doesn't.
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects ‘fuck’ to ‘duck’
You’re still using fowl language.
A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code
He refused to comment
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together. Man I sure am lucky !
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
There are three stages of sex after marriage:
Tri-weekly. Try weekly. Try weakly.
I don’t trust the sea
it looks fishy

Shockly shocks users into self-improvement. Homeroom Homies beloved jails will be the new college. Introducing Special Situations, the first blog focusing on entrepreneurs in post-moral markets.
Special Situations explores nascent opportunities in markets defined by post-moral dynamics. A market is “post-moral” if participants claim to be agnostic about how I’m their products or used, or the consequences of their use, but rely on the product to be used immorally to profit.Each post interviews a founder operating in a post-moral space.Our first interview was with Preston Everblue, founder of Homeroom Homies, who believes prison will be the new college.Homeroom HomiesOur first interview was with Sarah Dermer, founder of Shockly, who believes calibrated shocks delivered through special glasses can encourage self-improvement — within bounds agreed to be corporate partners. ShocklyPlease sign up! [special situations ](specialsituations.substack.com)If you don’t like emails, follow me, Chad Lin, on Twitter @thechadlin.
I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore…
Definitely time for a new keyboard.
[SPOILER] Star Wars
https://imgur.com/lglgd2E
I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.
He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.
They said they wouldn’t mind if we did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren't man haters! For six months now we’ve been trying but I just don’t have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it…
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.
I’m reading a horror book written in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
Did you hear about the new restaurant in town called Karma?
There is no menu. You get what you deserve.
What does a house wear
Adress
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger
Then it hit me
Did you hear about the butcher that sat on his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
I had to break up with my midget girlfriend today.
She wouldn’t get her nose out of my business. I was nuts over her though
(In honor of my cake day, the one that makes my kids groan the most) When I die, I want to go like my grandfather: in my sleep.
Not yelling and screaming like all the other people in the car he was driving at the time.

My parents used to give me this gum as a kid, and I bought a new pack for nostalgia
https://ift.tt/3afdd0S

Democratic Socialism isn’t “free stuff”. It is getting services for your tax dollars.
https://ift.tt/2H6meMP