one knight stand
The Forbidden Knowledge
Who really cares if I don’t know what apocalypse means?
It's not the end of the world
Magic or programming
Shredded cheese was a great invention.
People were really grateful.
In the womb they be on their screens
What are goosebumps for?
To slow geese down.
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said “This isn’t working I’m going to my mum’s”
I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
I guess it’s sad then funny am I breaking the rules????
I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job…
We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5% raise. Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?” I responded, “The gas, electric and cable company.”
Saw this on r/coronavirus
My son asked me where pooh came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
A little perplexed he stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and then asked, “and tigger?”
From girlfriends step dad
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, “I’m off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park.”
Nice try CNN
Real dad joke story time.
I was in a medieval literature class in college and the professor asked the class, "what can we tell about courtly love." To which I respond, "well, she wasn't much help to Kurt Cobain." No one laughed while I beamed with pride at my joke.
Did you hear about the mathematician’s son who was scared of negative numbers?
He stopped at nothing to avoid them.
when sketchy imitates life
Things I do to piss off my wife
Sext her out of nowhere and then text back right away “sorry wrong person”
Did you hear about the sarcastic weightlifter?
He liked to pump irony.
found on a training module
I shaved a hedgehog once
It was pointless
How did Darth Vader know Santa had arrived?
He could sense his presents.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set, so I threw the bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
As the nurse is making the rounds at the old folks home…
She stops by Carl's room and sees him putting black shoe polish all over his penis. Dismayed, she exclaims "no, no, no Carl, you misunderstood. I said remember to turn your clock back."
Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but can’t survive a slap from a newspaper.
That shows how toxic the media is.
But how will we pay for it?
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints
Quite an interesting way of supporting Americans during this Pandemic, huh?
Im trying to explain my sexuality to my dad.
Me : "Okay, so I would identify as a bisexual." Dad : "And that means you would have a male partner." Me : "Yeah." Dad : "Or a female partner." Me : "Yeah." Dad : "So… That means if you don't find a partner, you're on standbi?" ME : ME : ME : ME : "Son of a b…"
Kenny Loggins Should Do A Song With Kenny Passwords.
No text found
Take that, mom!
[Video] The Unemployed Software Developer
A “tv bad” i found in a comic book (translation in the comments)
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Postal service jokes don’t need much setup
It's all in the delivery
THIS. This is why.
Hope we all find it
Facebook is a gold mine
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
But apparently you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
Why we exist.
NSFW can you give someone a skin graft from your butt?
Ass skin for a friend
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair." "What I want you to do…" the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong." So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
A guy dials his home phone number from work.
A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm…she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What pool?" "Uh.. is this 832-4173?"
KFC job application
“I have bestest brains!”
Oh? You’re approaching me?
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?
Have you noticed yet?
When the lecturer says they wrote an example paper
A lady dies and goes to heaven and is standing in front of God…
" there is one thing I've always wanted to know" "Ok, ask away," God said. " Do vaccines cause autism?" she asked " The truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism", admitted god. The women shakes her head and says " They got to you too, this thing really goes high up".
Found the problem!!
My fiancé thinks I have an unhealthy obsession with assassins creed
and if I wear my robes to the wedding she’ll leave me at the Altaïr
For real though
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
You can never run through campgrounds
You can only ran, because it’s past tents
Nice sweatband, too
Do you even spaghet?
Is the sky real?
Everyone knows that the zip code for Beverly Hills is 90210 thanks to the show, but not as many people know the zip code to Dawson’s Creek.
It’s 90108 …for our lives to be over…
Opened up a old file that I needed a specific piece code from
It’s been real though
and watching youtube tutorials
Why doesn’t Mike Tyson use a PlayStation?
Because he’s an X-Boxer
Did you know you can tell if an ant is a boy or a girl by dropping it in water?
If it sinks it's a girl ant If it floats it's boy ant
how does anybody in the military still support this POS
What did the nut say when chasing the other nut?
I’m a cashew
Oh how I wish this wasn’t based off of real experience
Laptop stickers equivalent to prison tattos?