One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said “It’s going to rain”. His wife asked “how do you know?”
"Because rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
If I won 298 million, I’d give a quarter of it to charity.
…I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.
I saw Santa following me around in the mall, and I asked him why.
He said, “Christmas stalking.”
How come 11 ants couldn’t park their cars at their ant hill?
Because parking is for ten ants only!
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair…
If Medusa, King Midas, and Oedipus raised a child together
That would be one stone, gold motherfucker
When I was a kid, I told my mother I wanted to be a drummer in a rock and roll band when I grew up and she said…
"Well honey, you can't do both."
Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
I just flew in from Chernobyl
And boy are my arms legs
I once swallowed a dictionary…
It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had…
A Priest and a Cowboy are walking in the desert
They come across a flock of geese so the cowboy pulls out his two guns and empties them in the direction of the geese. "Fuck, I missed!" "Do not use that word, child, for God will smythe thy" They walk on and come across yet another flock of geese. Same thing. "Fuck, I missed" "Do not use that word, child, for God will smythe thy" Same thing happens a third time. Suddenly the Heavens open up and a lightning bolt strikes the priest down. An omnipresent voice, trembling with conviction says: "Fuck, I missed"
a Country Boy visited the City and met a girl in a Bar who invited him back to her house,
When they got there, she undressed and told him to get naked too. She said: "Let's start with a 69" The Country Boy replied: "What's that?" With that she got him into position, and they went at it Within a minute of starting, the City Girl felt a fart coming on She tried holding it back, but she figured the Country Boy was probably enjoying what she was doing to him and just let it rip Less than a Minute later, she felt another one coming on and since he hadn't said anything, let this one out as well After that, the Country Boy pushed her off, got up, and started getting dressed The City Girl, embarrassed, asked "I guess you didn't like that, huh?" The Country Boy said: "No, it was fine, but I just don't think I could take 67 more of those"
Where did the two hamburgers go to dance?
The meatball
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie…
Clooney said, "I'll produce." DiCaprio said, " I'll direct." McConaughey said, " I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."
Whats Gordon Ramsay’s favourite sub-reddit.
IT'S FUCKING R/AWW , YOU IDIOT!
My wife and I are planning a trip to San Francisco to finally fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person.
She asked me, “What are you going to do when you see it?” I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”
You can tell my dog is nervous about being naked all the time.
He can't sweat, but he pants.
3 guys have a sleep over
3 guys have a sleep over after watching a scary movie, they all decide to stay in the same bed. The next morning the guy on the left says " last night i had the best dream a beautiful blonde girl was wanking me off " The guy on the right says " That's strange I had a similar dream except the girl was a brunette " The guy in the mindle saying " Fuck sake I had a dream I was skiing "
I adopted a dog from a blacksmith today..
First thing he did when i got him home was make a bolt for the door.
Saw this on a frozen pizza. Both funny and sad that they have to put a warning on it.
https://ift.tt/2PUdfDS
It’s a young blonde genie’s first day on the job…
It's a young blonde genie's first day on the job. After returning to genie HQ from her very first charge, she is clearly distraught. The other genies, concerned, ask her what's wrong. She tells them of the young man who's wishes she granted. For his first wish, he asked for a truckload of money. Easy enough, *poof* I provide him with a huge truck, filled top to bottom with cash, and he appears very happy. For his second wish, he wants to be adored by hundreds of beautiful women. I Grant him this wish as well. All the women who are walking by smile and wink at him. One of her fellow genies says, " well, that all sounds great, why are you so upset?" Our genie replies, the last wish is what I just don't understand. He seemed so happy with his first two wishes, why with his third did he wish to be hung like a black man?
A bear walks into a bar..
He walks up to the bartender and says "Can I get a……………….beer?" Bartender says "Why the big pause?" Bear responds "idk man I was born with them"
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.
I told him, "My door is always open".
Why is ‘Dark’ spelt with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark.
A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted.
Dont you hate it when people get ahead of themselves?
Edit:Wow thanks for the gold kind stranger!