A carrot and his wife are walking home from a party late at night and he gets hit by a car.
Mrs. Carrot takes him to the ER and after a day of surgery, the doctor steps out and says, "Mrs. Carrot, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, we saved your husband. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."
What would happen if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight?
There would be mass confusion.
“Forget everything you learned in College”
"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here." "That works out because I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here"
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
Nympho on a plane
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
Everyone told Sam not to sing
but Samsung anyway.
I didn’t realize my dad used to steal board-games from the toy store.
But when I look back now, all the Clues added up.
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight…
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
Wanna hear a joke about coronavirus?
Never mind, you probably won't get it.
I had a silver dollar, but then my dog got a hold of it.
Now I have a bitcoin.
I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
If you smoke seaweed
You need professional kelp
My mom gave me this mug as a going off to college present. Got called out by my textbook…
https://ift.tt/2VUSutr
This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?
The second one’s a repost.
What’s Forest Gump’s password?
1Forest1
What do you call a dog on a U-boat?
A subwoofer.
Y’know working in a DIY/Hardware store has it’s odd moments.
Last week I caught someone trying to steal a light bulb! When I asked them if they needed help the person quickly shoved the bulb into their mouth and muttered. "Nah mate just looking for a light snack!" and walked off.
A priest is walking through the jungle when he comes upon a hungry lion.
Just as the lion goes to attack, the priest crosses himself and says, "Lord, if you can hear me, please instill the Holy Spirit in this beast's heart." The lion stops in his tracks as a bright light begins to glow around him. He looks to the sky, folds his paws in prayer, and says, "Thank you, Lord, for this meal."
Is it just me or are circles pointless
No text found
I always used to wonder why golfers would shout “fore”…
Then it hit me.
I don’t usually tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs
A man’s in-laws are causing him severe stress….
It's gotten so bad that he's decided to talk to his doctor about the physical pain he's experiencing. The doctor prescribes him some painkillers and sends him on his way. A few days later, the man comes back complaining that the painkillers aren't working. The doctor ups his dose and sees him out. This process continues until a few weeks later. The man is visibly happier and healthier. The doctor asks him if the painkillers worked. "Yep! They're finally dead."
What’s on the inside of a fire hydrant?
H2O. What's on the outside of the hydrant? K9P
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he gets a hole in one
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
Why haven’t the aliens visited our solar system yet?
Bad reviews… only 1 star.
What kind of pants do the Mario bros wear?
denim denim denim
Today, I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me.
He can now ride a bike without training wheels.