One of these things is not like the other
me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today!
[100 years ago] witch: fuck this house
When does a joke become a Dad Joke ?
When it's fully groan.
Did you know that the Soviet Union didn’t have mines?
They only had ours!
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
I like my women like I like my coffee.
From a third world country and at a reasonable price.
Why are physicists so serious all the time?
They understand the gravity of the situation.
A cowboy was captured by a tribe of Indians…
In the morning he was brought before their chief, who said "You invade our land white man, and we going to kill you. But, it is our tribe's custom to grant the condemned three wishes, one each morning for three days, before we kill you at sundown on the third day. So, white man, what do you want for your first wish?" "Just bring me my horse," the cowboy answered. They brought him his horse, he whispered in the horse's ear, slapped him on the butt and sent him off. That evening, the horse came back with a beautiful blonde woman riding. The cowboy went with her into a teepee, and the Indians grumbled "Typical white man, can only think of sex…" The next morning, the cowboy was brought to the chief again. "Today you get second wish, what should we do for you?" "Just bring me my horse." Again, the cowboy whispered to the horse and sent him off. That evening the horse returned with a redhead. As she and the cowboy entered the teepee, the Indians were facepalming again at the condemned white man who only wanted sex. On the third morning, the chief said "Well, white man, tonight at sundown you die. What do you want for your last wish?" "Just bring me my horse." With a sigh, the chief beckoned for the horse to be brought forth. The cowboy grabbed the horse's ear with both hands, and yelled into it: "POSSE! P-O-S-S-E!"
I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup…
I told her I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete in a tournament yet.
The Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up…
They formed an alloy-ence
Here is a piece of cucumber and Monster energy, go nuts!
Here is a piece of cucumber and Monster energy, go nuts!
My coworker went to HR and filed a complaint against me after I praised her butt.
Say what you want, harassment something to me.
A blind man enter a bar…
and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind man replies “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
I saw two women exercising today.
They were taking a walk but were way too close to each other given the social distancing orders. When I confronted them about the need to keep at least 6 feet apart, one of them looked at me dumbfounded and said, "We're just trying to flatten our curves!"
What did one introvert say to the other introvert?
Absolutely nothing and they quickly parted ways
My wife said she’s going to leave me if I don’t stop with the click bait
You wont believe what happened next!
My computer said my password is insecure.
Well maybe if it wasn't forced to have such strict requirements it would be more confident.
if you’re going to do this, just market it as an off-hour discount like everyone else
if you’re going to do this, just market it as an off-hour discount like everyone else
An 18-wheeler filled with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway today.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!
“Hey Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?”
"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !" "Thanks dad !" "No problem Alan"
During this pandemic I’ve been drinking a lot of brake fluid
But it's okay because I can stop whenever I want
Son: “Mom, Dad, I’m gay.”
Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches fist Mom: "Don't!" Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom: "…" Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
My wife told me to take the spider out
We had a good night, he was nice, wants to be a web developer
I’m outta here!!
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you…don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone…yeah I know, about time, I'm coming to see you, put on that …… French nightie. I love you…can't wait to see you…we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote. "I can see your feet. We're outta bread; be back in five minutes."
Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c?
You can’t see in the dark
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, “I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I’d feed him.” So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly, “Well, I’m not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn’t feed him all the hay…”
I have a horse named Mayo
Mayo Neighs ..
A friend of mine said…
…that he had made the world’s flattest, blandest dough. To that I responded, “Prove it then!”
Jared Fogles career started and ended the same way.
Trying to get in to smaller pants.
I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam show I have ever seen.
I own a farm and this morning one of my farmhands was dancing naked in front of the tractor.
I asked what the hell are you doing? He said his wife and him were having problems and the marriage counselor told him he had to do something sexy to a tractor.
I used to be heavily addicted to soap…
Don’t worry, I’m clean now.
Why did the ‘A’ go to the bathroom and come out an ‘E’?
It had a vowel movement.
A young man goes to confession
He says "Father, I have sinned." The priest asks him "Tell me son, what have you done?" The young man admits "I've just cheated on my girlfriend" Priest "Oh, son, that's not good, but we all stray from God's path occasionally" "But Father, that's not the worst of it. They were twin sisters" "Son, I can see you're feeling guilty, but I'm sure you can atone…" "I'm not done, Father. They were only 18" "Son, legally and in the eyes of God…" "They were virgins, from Sweden. Blonde. They barely spoke a word of English and I took advantage of them!" The priest is getting a little flustered now "Ok, well, it's going to take some serious prayer and reflection on your sins to make your peace with the Lord." The young man continues "But Father, it was in my girlfriend's bed, while she was at the hospital visiting her sick mother" Before the priest can say anything, the young man continues: "It went on for hours. My God, they were so beautiful, I took them in turns, and both at the same time, it was wild. We fucked in the bed, on the floor, in the shower, on the kitchen bench, and then when my girlfriend walked in, I just kept going. They were insatiable…" The priest, now getting upset, says "Son, stop!" But the man continues "…I got it on video, so I can keep it for whenever I want to see it, and I can show it to my friends, and hey, do you want to see it?" The priest yells "Stop! No! I don't want to see it! Goddamit, what kind of Catholic are you?!" The man replies "I'm not a Catholic" Perplexed, the priest asks "…Then why come to church, why are you in confession? Why are you telling me all this?" "Dude… I'm telling everyone!"
I’m allergic to death.
It causes me to start coffin.
My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together…
At first it’s boring, but later on, it’s riveting…
What do chemists do with the dead?
They Barium
How does moses make his coffee
Hebrews it