One time I bought shoes from a drug dealer..
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD…
How bad is it you ask? So bad, THAT…. My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. I saw a Mormon with only one wife. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. A picture is now only worth 200 words. When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room. The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. And, finally… I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!
What’s the difference between a Trump voter and a polar bear?
One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear.
People who can’t stop buying full length mirrors…
…need to take a good long look at themselves.
What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?
My Korea is over
TIL C# doesn’t support multiple inheritance.
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very attractive female golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay?" "I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. "Why don't you come up to my villa, rest for a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later.” I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now", she insisted. She was so pretty and very, very persuasive. I was weak … "Well, okay," I finally agreed, "However, I'm sure my wife won't like it." After a couple of Scotch, I thanked her and said: "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while, she won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still under the cart, I suppose."
*bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk*
Donald doesn’t have high standards but he’s got those double ones
I went to a premature ejaculator’s support group today.
Turns out I came early.
Mysterious (credit to u/sathvik_vadari)
Now you know !!
Stomp stomp clap
When you simply cut-copy-paste and do not sufficiently test 🤣
Who doesn’t love science?
Why do scuba divers fall off the boat backwards?
If they fell off forwards, they’d just land in the boat.
Last one is really shocking.
Hahaha specific dietary needs bad
In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do….
The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see. The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign. Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself" The man shrugged and said, “My wife told me to stand here.”
My wife asked me to pick up some of those pills that help with getting an erection.
So I brought her home diet pills.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
but none of them work.
My doctor said I was going deaf.
Haven't heard from him since.
Why hasn’t this happened?
Cause they’re Dogs!
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son’s house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!", she asked. "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work", the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress", the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress", she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me". The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered sensually. "Needs ironing"…
Alexa play despacito
Why didn’t 4 ask out 5
Because he was 2².
I gave my boss some maracas for Christmas.
He kept talking about how he wants to shake things up.
I want YOU to come join our new Discord server! wcgw
I think this fits here.
I have written a book on Penguins
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
“it’s okay when we do it”
A married man was having an affair with his secretary
One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
System Administrator Sword!!!
Please! Just connect me with a human…
If A is for apple, and B is for banana, then what is C for?
My father sent me this and I dont even know what to say
What’s the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on
You are a metallic one
NASCAR bans the confederate flag?
Finally a turn in the right direction.
Guilty as charged.
I bought a handgun from a T-Rex..
…because he is a small arms dealer!
Trump’s foresight is blind! Or he just can’t stop lying!
My uncle sent this to me 4 of 4
“Grandpa tell us this story about you surviving falling from 3rd floor”
My girlfriend told to me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. He wants to be a web developer.
A guitarist goes to prison
In the cafeteria, everyone is telling stories on why they’re here One man explains how he got caught robbing a bank Another tells the story of him getting busted selling drugs Another says how he killed someone Then they all ask the guitarist why he’s in here He replied: I fingered the wrong minor
Haha very funny
Meme.. time magazine in bathroom stall
NASA was preparing for the Apollo project
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message. Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."
What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.
Do you know why cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
But I thought it was Autowired though!
Why don’t Kleptomaniacs understand puns?
Because they take things literally.
On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed…
someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn’t find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class. Tuesday, she was again greeted with “penis” on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning for the rest of the week, “penis” was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she’d had enough. “That’s enough,” she sputtered. “I — I can’t believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!” On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: “Don’t you know — the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?”
🎶🎵 SQL Clause is coming to town 🎵 🎶
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender
Why are there a ton of Religious Holidays but no Science Holidays?
Because science works.
It turns out that Mr. Spock has 3 ears
The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear. Thank you Stephen King for this wonderful joke.
Our maintenance guy lost his legs on the job,
Now he’s just a handyman.
To the man who invented 0
Thanks for nothing
A woman answers a knock at the door at 3pm and a man asks if she has a vagina
She slams the door, waits and watches the man leave. The next day, at 3pm once again, she hears a knock at the door and there stood the man once more. "Do you have a vagina?" The woman slammed the door in his face and watched him walk off through the blinds. Growing more disturbed, she told her husband, who decided to take the day off work in hopes of seeing the man and handling the situation. Sure enough, the next day at 3pm, there is a knock at the door. "That's him," the wife says. The husband tells her, "Open it. I'm going to hide. I want to see where he is going with this." The woman opens the door and the man asks, "Do you have a vagina?" After some hesitation, the woman answers, "Yes." The man then tells her, "Why don't you let your husband use it so he'll leave my wife's alone?"
I don’t want to Spoonfeed…
but I like my words to be spelt in reverse alphabetical order.
When God sets up a cron-job for periodical cleanups
Kids don’t read…
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?