One time I bought shoes from a drug dealer..

How bad is it you ask? So bad, THAT…. My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. I saw a Mormon with only one wife. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. A picture is now only worth 200 words. When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room. The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. And, finally… I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!

One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear.

…need to take a good long look at themselves.

My Korea is over

A very attractive female golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay?" "I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. "Why don't you come up to my villa, rest for a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later.” I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now", she insisted. She was so pretty and very, very persuasive. I was weak … "Well, okay," I finally agreed, "However, I'm sure my wife won't like it." After a couple of Scotch, I thanked her and said: "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while, she won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still under the cart, I suppose."

Turns out I came early.

If they fell off forwards, they’d just land in the boat.

The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see. The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign. Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself" The man shrugged and said, “My wife told me to stand here.”

So I brought her home diet pills.

but none of them work.

Haven't heard from him since.

Sh‌‌e wa‌‌s shocke‌‌d t‌‌o se‌‌e he‌‌r daughter-in-la‌‌w lyin‌‌g o‌‌n th‌‌e couch‌‌, totall‌‌y naked‌‌. Sof‌‌t musi‌‌c wa‌‌s playing‌‌, an‌‌d th‌‌e arom‌‌a o‌‌f perfum‌‌e fille‌‌d th‌‌e room‌‌. "Wha‌‌t ar‌‌e yo‌‌u doing?!‌‌", sh‌‌e asked. "I'‌‌m waitin‌‌g fo‌‌r Mik‌‌e t‌‌o com‌‌e hom‌‌e fro‌‌m work", th‌‌e daughter-in‌‌-la‌‌w answered. "Bu‌‌t you'r‌‌e naked!‌‌" th‌‌e mother-in-la‌‌w exclaimed. "Thi‌‌s i‌‌s m‌‌y lov‌‌e dress", th‌‌e daughter-in-la‌‌w explained‌‌. "Lov‌‌e dress‌‌? Bu‌‌t you'r‌‌e naked!" "Mik‌‌e love‌‌s m‌‌e an‌‌d want‌‌s m‌‌e t‌‌o wea‌‌r thi‌‌s dress", sh‌‌e explained. ‌‌"I‌‌t excite‌‌s hi‌‌m t‌‌o n‌‌o end‌‌. Ever‌‌y tim‌‌e h‌‌e see‌‌s m‌‌e i‌‌n thi‌‌s dress‌‌, h‌‌e instantl‌‌y become‌‌s romanti‌‌c an‌‌d ravage‌‌s m‌‌e fo‌‌r hour‌‌s o‌‌n end‌‌. H‌‌e can'‌‌t ge‌‌t enoug‌‌h o‌‌f me". Th‌‌e mother-in-la‌‌w left‌‌. Whe‌‌n sh‌‌e go‌‌t home‌‌, sh‌‌e undressed‌‌, showered‌‌, pu‌‌t o‌‌n he‌‌r bes‌‌t perfume‌‌, dimme‌‌d th‌‌e lights‌‌, pu‌‌t o‌‌n ‌‌a romanti‌‌c CD‌‌, an‌‌d la‌‌y o‌‌n th‌‌e couch‌‌, waitin‌‌g fo‌‌r he‌‌r husban‌‌d t‌‌o arrive. Finally‌‌, he‌‌r husban‌‌d cam‌‌e home‌‌. H‌‌e walke‌‌d i‌‌n an‌‌d sa‌‌w he‌‌r lyin‌‌g ther‌‌e s‌‌o provocatively. "Wha‌‌t ar‌‌e yo‌‌u doing?‌‌" h‌‌e asked. "Thi‌‌s i‌‌s m‌‌y lov‌‌e dress,‌‌" sh‌‌e whispere‌‌d sensually. "Need‌‌s ironing"…

Sigh…

Because he was 2².

He kept talking about how he wants to shake things up.

Parceltongue

In hindsight, paper would have been better.

lighten up.

One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

Plastic explosives.

You can sleep with a light on

No text found

Finally a turn in the right direction.

…because he is a small arms dealer!

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. He wants to be a web developer.

In the cafeteria, everyone is telling stories on why they’re here One man explains how he got caught robbing a bank Another tells the story of him getting busted selling drugs Another says how he killed someone Then they all ask the guitarist why he’s in here He replied: I fingered the wrong minor

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message. Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.

Because they lactose.

Because they take things literally.

someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn’t find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class. Tuesday, she was again greeted with “penis” on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning for the rest of the week, “penis” was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she’d had enough. “That’s enough,” she sputtered. “I — I can’t believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!” On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: “Don’t you know — the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?”

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender

Because science works.

The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear. Thank you Stephen King for this wonderful joke.

Now he’s just a handyman.

Thanks for nothing

She slams the door, waits and watches the man leave. The next day, at 3pm once again, she hears a knock at the door and there stood the man once more. "Do you have a vagina?" The woman slammed the door in his face and watched him walk off through the blinds. Growing more disturbed, she told her husband, who decided to take the day off work in hopes of seeing the man and handling the situation. Sure enough, the next day at 3pm, there is a knock at the door. "That's him," the wife says. The husband tells her, "Open it. I'm going to hide. I want to see where he is going with this." The woman opens the door and the man asks, "Do you have a vagina?" After some hesitation, the woman answers, "Yes." The man then tells her, "Why don't you let your husband use it so he'll leave my wife's alone?"

but I like my words to be spelt in reverse alphabetical order.

A babooooom!