Only a symptom of the American disease
Haunted French Pancakes…
….really give me the crêpes.
I just won an award for most secretive person in the office
I can't tell you how much it means to me
Does anyone know if we can start taking showers yet?
Or are we still just washing our hands?
What do you call a blindfolded cockfight?
Bird Box-ing
A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.
"Fellas! My p***y is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take." A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her p***y. The boots are sucked right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in. Inside he hears noises. "Is someone else in here?" he asks. "Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says. "Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says. "Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."
![Dracula’s midlife crises [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/vFI8NEj-400x1202.jpg)
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it? professor: okay there is one stupid question.
My grocery store had a great deal on baked sweets today
It’s really been a great cake day
I have many jokes about unemployed people,
sadly none of them work.
What does every woman in the world want?
Nothing they're fine
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket
You can hide but you can't run
Smoking will kill you. And Bacon will kill you. But…
Smoking Bacon will Cure it.
what’s the most disappointing way to finish a joke?
No text found
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp and my parrot
I don’t know how you sleep at night
Don’t buy anything with Velcro
It’s a total rip-off
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
You put a nipple on it
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich…
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich bird behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" Says the man, "Well, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. The first wish I asked was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." The waitress said "That's brilliant! Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. How smart of you!'' "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there" says the man proudly. The waitress asks, "But, what's that ostrich all about?" The man sighs, pauses and answers with a heavy heart, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who accompanies me wherever I go and agrees with everything I say".
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him.
As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive”, but it’s hard without him.
I’m a programmer, my wife works part-time in tech support. (NSFW)
Last Friday night, we felt a little frisky, so we made a trip to the bedroom. For her, everything went great. For me… Not so much. An hour later, I had yet to climax once. So my wife had a brilliant idea. She went to our living room, grabbed some books we'd bought so we could teach our kids to read. Real boring stuff, really. So she cracks one open and starts reading in a monotone. A few minutes later, I'm bored out of my mind. Then, suddenly, she reaches over and starts jacking me off. Bam! Instant fountain. "That was great, but how'd you know that was gonna work?" I asked her afterwards. "Oh, it was easy. Just had to turn you off and on again."
Someone stole my mood ring
Not sure how I feel about that
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous…
…but backwards, it’s even more stupid…
What’s Ironman without his suit?
Stark Naked
What would you call a sword made of ice?
Excali-buuurrrrr
How do you make a pheromone?
Tell him to let your people go.
“Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!”
Dad: That’s a D, idiot.
Founder argues that we should be concerned with data equality rather than data privacy
https://ift.tt/2L8kSTD
Someone’s been adding soil to my garden…
The plot thickens.
What do you call a gay couch?
A homo sectional
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.