Only a symptom of the American disease
Some people think that boomboxes are really old school.
I think it's just a stereotype.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went
Then……. it dawned on me
I got a job working in a hayfield…
After one day, I bailed…
99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code. You take one down, patch it around…
129 bugs in the code.
A woman is walking down the street and see a little boy get hit by a car. She knows he won’t survive as soon as she gets to him, looking around she sees a church nearby and asks if he’d like her to get the priest.
The little boy looks into her eyes and says "how can you think of sex at a time like this?"
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Earlier today, a man was seen robbing a prosthetic limb factory.
Witnesses say he's armed and dangerous.
Wtf is an acronym.
No text found
Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.
The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."
What did the rooster do to impress the hen?
He wrote poultry for her.
My wife locked me outside the house because she got sick of my terrible wordplay jokes.
I texted her "Oh pun the door!"
What do you call a dad joke when it gets old?
A grandpa joke
West Virginia is the last US state without a confirmed case of COVID-19.
Not because they don’t have it, but because they can’t figure out how to read the tests.
Can’t imagine someone not understanding what erectile dysfunction is
I mean, it's not very hard.
Whats the difference between Me and a Calendar ?
a Calendar has dates.
A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.
Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.
There were two christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.
As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''. So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were. John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'. The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink. Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak!
What do gay horses eat?
Horse dick.
Me: Did you know that abbreviating names might be sometimes confusing?
GF: Really? Me: Yes. George Foreman: How so?
This year’s Fibonacci celebrations are going to be huge
As big as the previous two combined
Why teddy bears don’t go to the gym?
They don't wanna get ripped
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary!" The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me a rum and coke!" The anti-vaxver says, "No shots for me." She then collapses and dies from polio.
Did you hear about the arrogant cannibal who started eating himself?
He was so full of himself.
Did you hear William Shatner was starting his own underwear line?
But “Shatner Panties” was not a good business.
Why should you never fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get jurasskicked.
What is the German word for constipation ?
Fahrfrahmpoopin
“Never thought our child would go that far.”
"That trebuchet is really something. Let's get the cat!"
Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away
RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
I bought coconut shampoo the other day…
When I got home, I realised I didn't even have a coconut.
Why is deadpools house always cold?
Because he keeps breaking the fourth wall
I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book…
She laughed at me, and said "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
Why did Waldo wear stripes?
Cause he didn't want to be spotted!
I want to tell you all about a girl that only ate plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas
She said, "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace!" So I bought her . . . nothing.
i made this in under 2 minutes because i thought about it and needed it to be done
https://ift.tt/374H6j5
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo!!!!!!!!!!