Only carbon-based life forms will get this
Wanna hear a feminist joke?
Me too.
Where does a lumberjack buy his axes?
At the “Chopping Maul.”
I’m having trouble organizing a Hide and Seek League.
Good players are hard to find.
What is it called when an amputee does karate?
Partial arts
A 7 year-old and a 4 years-old are in their bedroom. “You know what, I think it’s time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’ll swear first, then you” says the 7 year old. “OK” says the 4 year-old. Mum asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast. “I’ll have Frosties, bitch”
WHACK, he flew out the chair crying his eyes out. Mum looks at the 4 year-old and said sternly! “And what do you want?” He says “Don’t know, but it won’t be fucking Frosties”
My brother didn’t like jail
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”
I shouted, “Oh come on! Not you too!”
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
The CEO of Valve walks into a bar with two of his associates…
The bartender asks “What can I get for you?” The CEO responds “We’ll have one drink and two drinks please.” The bartender replies “So three drinks?” “What the hell is three?”
I have just written a book on how to fall down a staircase.
It's a step by step guide.
My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.
I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.
They should stock ATMs better…
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds…
My teachers said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia..
But so far I’ve made two bowls and a vase.
My credit card company must be really proud of me
They keep telling me I have an outstanding balance
I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery…
I’ve had it right up to here with them!
My son asked me what an updog was.
I told him it was an older version of a henway. “What’s a henway?” My son asked. “About 5 pounds” I replied.
My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child’s feet
She said something about 'waiting until they're born'
I named my eraser Confidence…
Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make
[Warning]: 18++
19.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
"Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't," I said.
What do English teachers do on Reddit?
Edit: grammar
Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?
For christ’s sake
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.
As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out. "Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what kind of man I am." Putin takes a pencil and puts it behind his ear. Then he unzips his pants and underwear, and stands there butt naked in front of the three world leaders. "Now, witness the strength of Russia." He puts his stuff through the bars of the cage, and the wolf starts licking his balls. After a few minutes, the wolf starts to nibble with his teeth.. Putin endures it for several seconds, and then when the wolf finally latches on to his penis, he grabs the pencil from behind his ear and pokes the wolf in the eye with the eraser. As the wolf yelps, Putin pulls his package out from the cage and gets dressed. "And that, gentlemen," Putin says as the gets over the pain, "is the strength and power of Russia. Now, show me what your nations are made of. Supreme Leader?" Kim Jong-Un smiles and laughs and says, "No thank you, Mr. President, My, uh… wife would never forgive me." Putin laughs politely and shrugs his shoulders. He then looks to Trudeau. "Mr. Trudeau? Canada has native wolves, show us the strength of Canada!" The Prime Minister looks abashed. "Eh… no, no thank you, sir." This time Putin can't withhold his grin. He finally turns to Donald Trump. "Surely, the world's greatest superpower has a leader of great power! Show us the power of the United States of America!" "I'll tell you what, Vlad, as I call you, I don't mind doing it, I'll be great at doing it, the very best. Just do me a favor, there's no need to poke me in the eye."
Is the Viagra I’ve been sold fake?
As it stands, no.
My Hispanic buddy likes Little Caesars.
He uses them to trim his mustache.
My friend said, “I’ll never buy from a store that assigns genders to kids’ beds!”
I said, “Boycott?” Him: That’s what I mean.
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?
HAND EEEEYYYYEEEEEEEE
Why is there 2 d’s in ‘Reddit’?
Because one is a repost.
Someone accused me of plagiarism….
That's their words, not mine.
When I die, I’m donating my body to science.
It’s the only way I’ll ever get into medical school.
I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick
He was a very poorly executed character
How does Trump differ from terrorist organisations?
Terrorist organisations take responsibility for their actions.
Why are Apple stores hypocritical?
Because to construct them, you need to install windows