Only days, sometimes hours until it lowers again
I’ve been involved in a number of integrations, both as a leader and a follower
https://ift.tt/2SXWCb8
A man walks into a bar with a big smile on his face
The bartender says “why are you so happy?” The man replies “well, after work I was walking home and saw this woman tied to a train track. It was just like something out of a movie! So I untied her and took her home. And then we had the best sex of my life, all over the house in every position you could imagine! It was unbelievable!” The bartender is impressed “sounds great! Was she hot?” “Not sure”, said the man, “I never found the head.”
What do you call a vampire who makes pancakes?
Count Spatula.
My gf tried to persuade me to have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic
I refused. If I'm going to have sex with her, it's going to be on my own Accord
What is E.T. short for?
Cause he has little legs!
Did you hear of the dog with denchers?
It was all bark and no bite.
What do you call a sleep-walking nun?
A roamin’ Catholic…
An Australian General says to a soldier, “Did you come here to die?”
The soldier responds, “No, sir. I came here yester-die!”
To the guy who invented zero:
Thanks for nothing!
I wanted to be a monk…
But I never got the chants.
I wanted to write a joke about restraining orders.
This is as close as I could get though.
How are your grades son?
Son: They’re underwater Dad: How are they underwater Son: They’re below C level
What are paramedics favorite gaming console?
Wii U!!! Wii U!! Wii U!!
How does Harry Potter get down hill?
Walking! JK Rolling!
The boomer who shared this made sure to let everyone know that the mechanic was his favorite
https://ift.tt/2Xp5fyC
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!" The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!" The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I smell is MOLASSES!"
I just finished a documentary about frogs
It was absolutely ribbiting
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
What do you call a pig that does karate?
Pork Chop! (Overhear a little boy telling his mum, I’m sure he’ll grow up to be a great dad 😂)
Why did the biology teacher break up with the physics teacher?
They had no chemistry 🥺
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
The seminar “How To Avoid Frauds” is cancelled…
Tickets are non-refundable…
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.
Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
I went to the gym almost every day this week
I almost went on Monday, I almost went on Tuesday, I almost went on Wednesday, I almost went on Thursday, I almost went on Friday, I almost went on Saturday and I almost went on Sunday.
A Reddit user, a Reddit user, and a Reddit user walk into a bar.
The first one orders a coke. Five minutes later the second one orders a coke and the whole bar starts cheering, another five minutes later the third one orders a coke and the whole city erupts in thunderous applause.
If I won $298 million I’d donate a quarter of it to charities…
I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.
My 8 year old cousin: ” Why did the chicken cross the road?”
8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house. Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha. 8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock Me: Who's there 8yo: The chicken.
When asked what his favorite holiday was. Arnold Schwarzenegger replied.
"I Still Love Easter BABY!"
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Bashing a witness at the impeachment hearing for wearing his military uniform?
https://ift.tt/2OFOglR
Wife: I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No you're not.
I think I have bad posture
But it's just a hunch.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture
