only in Alabama!
Has anyone checked on Oklahoma recently?
I want to make sure they're still OK
What did the blood cell say before it died in an artery?
I will not die in vein!
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed Platypus.
Any one can take my old batteries from me without paying
They’re free of charge
Reddit should rename ‘share’ to ‘spreddit’, ‘delete’ to ‘shreddit’ and ‘karma’ to ‘creddit’.
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit. Eddit: Leddit be heard, thank you for the silver!
My wife told me the kid almost burned the house down
Now i’m really scared of arson
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell people he was a vegan.
What do you call an old, Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
Doctor: You should stop masturbating
Me: Why doc? Is there something wrong? Doctor: Its making me really uncomfortable
Two men are sitting on a park bench
And a stray dog comes along and sits down next to them. Then the dog starts licking his balls. The men watch for a moment and one says "Gosh, I wish I could do that." The other says "Well, you'd better pet him a little first."
Little Johnny at the nudist beach
Little Johnny and his parents decided to spent the day at the beach. He goes off to play in the sand only to return a few moments later. "Mom why are some women's breasts bigger than others?" To which his mom replied. "The women with bigger breasts are more silly" satisfied with this answer he goes off to play for a while longer. Later the boy asks why some men's penises are bigger than others, his mom tells him "Men with bigger penises are dumber" once again content Johnny goes off to play again. A while later he returns with a grin on his face and tells his mom, "Hey Mom Dad is talking to the silliest girl here and he just keeps getting dumber and dumber"
Why did the man refuse to throw out his recliner?
Because they go waaaaaay back.
A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man. “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. “I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!” The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. “No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.” The dentist then returns and says, “Here is a Viagra tablet.” The patient says, “Wow – I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain pill.!” “It doesn’t,” said the dentist and continued: “But it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.”
Television for sale
On my way to work I saw an advert in a shop window that said: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” – I thought to myself, ‘I can’t turn that down.'
Seeing a pattern here. It’s almost like the rule of law doesn’t matter to one group…
https://ift.tt/2M06X2D
We imported a tree from Canada.
It's pretty oak, eh.
FOR SALE, Broken Quiz Machine
No Questions asked
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
My wife is nervous about having to talk to strangers on a cruise we are about to take.
I said, “Don’t worry. We are all in the same boat.”
I downloaded all the music to the movie Titanic.
It's syncing now.
Someone stole my gate
I didn’t say anything because he might take a fence
Where do Squirrels go during Hurricanes?
It depends on which direction the wind is blowing.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100
An absolute 10, but also imaginary.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
I was like, 0mg!
When your trying to discuss school with your dad.
I'm 19 years old and I major in Biology at SDSU. I was talking to my dad at Easter about an essay I'm writing. It is on the extracellular matrix, basically everything in the space between two or more cells, I thought it was going all right until he started laughing at literally nothing. Me: "Whats so funny?" Him: "I have a joke okay?" Me: "Okay?" Him: "What do prisoners study?" Me: "What?" Him: "Cell Walls." Basically thats my life.
Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love
so we started using lubricant
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous…
…but backwards, it’s even more stupid…
“We need to do something about your carpentry addiction.”
"Can't I just finish the bar I was making for my house?" "No, that would be counter-productive."
A man and his wife are fast asleep in bed when the phone rings…
The man picks up, listens for a second and says, 'How the hell would I know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,' before slamming down the receiver. 'Who was that?' asks his wife. 'Wrong number. It was some jerk asking if the coast was clear.'
My teacher told me I would never be any good at Poetry because of my dyslexia….
But so far I've made 3 vases and a jug.
I just bought new shoes from my drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin all day.
How do you sneak up on celery?
You stalk it.
what’s hilarious is that most people think we dont need to bring back the guillotine. ha.
https://ift.tt/2DqU4KM
What do you call a disagreeable horse?
A neigh sayer.
Want to hear a joke about Construction?
I'm still working on it.
Just got to get this off my chest…. I’m getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.
If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.