Only in America…
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
A bunch of dudes in cosplay who want to keep the status quo of constant mass shootings
https://ift.tt/2TJFWVZ
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN
they become VERY ANGRY
Know why Jedi don’t get married?
Because they know divorce will be with them. Always.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
I think my neighbor might be stalking me.
She's googled my name a few times, I saw it through my telescope last night
Today a woman said she recognized me from her vegetarian club..
..but I'm sure I've never met herbivore.
I dropped some tortilla chips and some cheese the other day.
My wife asked if I needed help to clean it up. I said don't worry it's nacho problem.
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it!
If you’re ever choking on an ice cube
https://ift.tt/2LvRzu3
I’m secretly a really cool person, but I can’t let anyone know.
I'm incogneato.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Standing on office chairs.
No text found
What’s a decent Asian stereo type?
Sony and Yamaha are my favorite.
Two birds are sitting on a perch…
One asks, do you smell fish?
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
One takes things literally and the other takes things, literally.
I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.
The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.
It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys.
Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted out “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”
My wife told me that I had to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter.
I have got some news for her.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives
The day before Thanksgiving, a guy in Phoenix calls his son in New York and tells him,”Son, I’m really sorry but I have to tell you that your mother and I are splitting up. We can’t live with each other any more.”
The son is distraught and shouts down the phone at his father, "Pop, what are you talking about?" The father replies, "It's just that we can't stand the sight of each other any more. And I'm sick of talking about this, so will you call your sister in Chicago and tell her?" The father than hangs up, and the son frantically calls his sister, who's equally distraught and exclaims, "Like heck they're getting divorced! Leave it to me, I'll take care of this." So she calls her father and shouts down the phone at him, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't you dare to do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't you dare do a thing about this. Do you hear me?" She then hangs up, at which point the father hangs up his phone, turns to his wife and says, "Okay dear, they're both coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.
I got my wife a prosthetic leg for Christmas…
It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up
The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?" The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue." The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo." "Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. "Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo." "Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."
I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam show I have ever seen.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gag My wife told me this one to me. Not my joke