Only one person can stop LeBron
That's LeBrain….
Catto Corleone!
Catto Corleone!
How do you make an old lady say “Fuck”?
Have another one say "Bingo!"
My girlfriend isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.
….I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.
Looking for a b’day card in a card bin we have, came across this gem my mom had saved…
https://ift.tt/3aphdfm
I hate Russian dolls,
they're so full of themselves.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife…
Happy Mother's Day!
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase
He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm off to New York City. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. "Where are you going?" she asks "I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year"
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
I really like books with female protagonists.
It’s almost like I’m addicted to heroine.
A weasel goes to the bar
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.” “Pop!” goes the weasel.
Why do cow milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.
There’s radical feminist plot to attack the postal service…
They heard it was a mail dominated industry.. ( Possibility OC?)
If you lock up your girlfriend and dog in the trunk of a car for an hour…
which one is gonna be happy to see you when you open it up?
Congrats to President Daddy for Record Time Passing MEAN PEOPLE BULLY ME ON THE INTERNET ACT
https://ift.tt/36LFRWr
Got my dad with this one
Currently staying at a hotel with my dad. Next to the parking lot there’s a sign that says “pet grounds”, pointing to where you can walk your dog. My dad reads it aloud, “pet grounds”, so I say “alright then”. I crouched down, pet the grass a little bit and said, “good grounds”. Got a good laugh out of it.
What’s the difference between acne and a priest?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.
What did the mod say to the redditor?
[removed]
I’m so sick of people saying stealing is wrong.
I just don't buy it.
Thanos has a favorite social media
Snapchat
My wife didn’t think I would name our baby daughter something ridiculous.
But I called her Bluff.
Our mailman got a sex change
so we call him the postman now.
I don’t know why i loves bad puns so much.
It’s just how eye roll i guess
Why couldn’t Hitler eat oranges?
Because he hated the juice.
Why are French omelettes so small?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.
I think she’s in love with me.
What do you do when you are feeling rough?
Go to the dogtor!
My Grandma was talking about the good old days and said “in my day we could leave the door unlocked and not worry about it!” and “we grew up with nothing but we were happy”…
I replied “Well Grandma, I hate to break it to you, but you grew up with nothing because you kept leaving the front door unlocked!”
My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory
I’ll beheading there shortly
Did you know that cucumbers are good for your memory ?
Because I got one stuck in my ass a couple years ago and me, my family and doctor still remember it vividly
Why did Karen press control alt delete?
She wanted to speak to the task manager.
Did you know 2×10 is same as 2×11 ?
One is twenty and other is twenty too.
New British Prime Minister, Boris Johnson
held a meeting with the cabinet today. He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers.
Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?
You shouldn’t take medicine on an empty stomach.
Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign..
"The way you've taken is wrong, stop and turn back now, before it's too late!" The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a sparse finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard. One of the nuns thoughtfully says, -Sister, shall we just write: "Attention, the bridge is demolished?"
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one.
Harry Potter could be a great mafia boss
He always catches the snitch
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what they've been laced with but I've been tripping all day.
Do you remember what happened in 1997?
No Biggie.