The other day, my friend told me I was delusional.
I nearly fell off of my unicorn.
To the individual who stole my glasses…
I will find you. I have contacts.
It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
Having gay parents must be horrible
I mean you either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck into infinite loop of βgo ask your momβ.
Why did the pencil get flushed down the toilet?
It was a #2!
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
I always carry a pebble with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Seniors during quarantine
I was on a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."
What’s a great example of click bait?
No text found
I’ve recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm currently working knights.
A little kid enters the room and catches his dad masturbating
He lets a little scream out and look at his father, dumbfounded. "Don't be shocked, son. Everybody does this. Soon, you will do it too." "But… Why, daddy?" "Because my hands are starting to ache"
I just found an enormous ravine so full of precious metals, I immediately came in my pants.
It was a huge ore chasm.
I’m honestly convinced some women do not fart.
They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama
I’m so happy its tick season soon…
I enjoy a little Lyme with my Corona
I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
My cousin posted two jokes on this sub, but the mods deleted both of them.
He is my cousin, twice [removed]
I’m unhappy because my neighbor’s sheep aren’t clipped properly.
I can't stand that kind of shear incompetence.
Iβm as humble as equal sign.
I know Iβm not > or < than any anyone else
Wife got mad when I told her I must hang out with the guys once a week.
She hates my mandates.
My 7 year old’s first comeback line
My son has asd and though he loves to read jokes and tries to understand why they are funny, introducing wit to him has been difficult. It was more of a surprise than a joke but here goes. We recently moved to India and my wife is missing outdoors and Europe and today she said – oh I really want to go to Disneyland! To which my son said- and I really want a twister! ( Ice lolly). My wife looked at him doting on his innocence and said- Baby your dreams are so simple and innocent! To which my son replied- yeah and yours probably won't come true!
If I disappeared into the fog tomorrow
Would I be mist?
Did you hear about the two houses across the neighborhood from each other that fell in love?
It was a lawn distance relationship.
What do you call a careful wolf ?
Aware wolf.