Only the best clients
The odds were against me.
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish!
As soon as I got him home he made a Bolt for the Door.
The bartender asks "Is this a joke?"
Which is the one about being in a closet?
Parents: "arson?" Police officer: "yes, your son"
I said "Don't forget your Baghdad"
Alexa : Your dad is at a strip club in Las Vegas Me : Haha! gotcha alexa my dad is right next to me Alexa : Your mom's husband is next to you, your dad is at a strip club.
Because they have a supreme ruler.
That'd be way too many
A crop top.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta
The bartender serves the whiskey and all of a sudden a monkey appears running all across the bar jumps and lands with his testicles in the whiskey and smiles to the man. The man, confused, asks to the bartender… -What the hell is this? -Oh, ask the piano player, it is his monkey So the guy looks for the piano player and shouts… -Hey! Do you know why your fucking monkey sunk his balls in my goddam whiskey? -Not by the title, but if you can sing it a little bit I'm sure I can make it work
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
A dead centipede
Turns out he's a real dick.
Except the worms, they came in apples.
…and starts looking for some work in an up-scale neighborhood nearby. He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner, if he had any odd jobs for him to do. “Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?” the owner says. The Mexican responds, “How about $50?” The owner says “Fine, there’s a can of brown paint and brushes in the garage.” The owner’s wife, inside the house, overhearing the conversation asks her husband, “Does he realize that the porch goes all around the house? That’s a whole day’s job!!” The man replies, “He should; he was standing on it. Not my problem if he didn’t pay attention.” A short time later, the Mexican comes to the door and asks for the $50. “You’ve finished already?” the husband asks. “Yes,” he replies, “and there was paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reaches into his pocket for the money and hands it to him. “And by the way,” the Mexican adds, “it’s not a Porsche, it’s BMW"
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog…
I’m going to put my glasses on…
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Pen- nay (penne)
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over. “You’ve given me one too many” I said. “That one is a freebie”
The therapist kindly greets the woman. "What brings you here today?" "I am absolutely terrified of random letters." says the woman. The therapist had never heard of such a phobia before. "You are?" The woman begins to scream. "Oh, I see…" The woman screams even louder.
They both eliminate free radicals.
He said I have to start paying in advance
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They will be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger.