Only took 4 years for this tweet to properly age.
A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.
The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?" The man replies, " like a glove."
Just spent 8 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt…
It was a waist of time.
Two birds are sitting on a perch…
One asks, do you smell fish?
Nine months isn’t really that long…
It only feels like a maternity!
How do you find a velociraptor?
Distanceraptor divided by timeraptor
My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks right out of the bottle.
I love jokes about the eyes.
The cornea the better
Damn girl are you a redditor?
Cause you just keep repeating the same shit
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards….
creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is
The girlfriend and I just drove by a shoe in the road
GF: A shoe! Me: Bless you Was pretty proud of myself for a couple minutes.
Why do people never eat clocks?
Because it’s really time consuming.
[NSFW] So yesterday I went out side and punched a white person, I was charged with assault, today I went outside and punched a black person…
…I was charged with impersonating a police officer.
Engineering Degree: Expectation VS Reality RUSSIAN EDITION
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdeiH5XiNwA
The blonde’s password
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
A dung beetle walked into a bar and said
Is this stool taken?
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot?
Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.
My cocaine addiction is getting out of hand
It's time to draw the line.
It wasn’t until I slapped the statue’s ass.
That I realized I had hit rock bottom
Why don’t introverted trees want to be chopped down?
They don’t want to dialog
How do you rescusitate a sheep?
You give it Sheep PR
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of their guidedogs.
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed platypus.
Is this sub still active?
https://imgur.com/a/ggw9xpn
Why don’t blind people go skydiving?
It scares the hell out of the dog.
What do you call a colour that doesn’t exist?
A pigment of your imagination
What happens when potatoes smoke marijuana?
They get baked.
My son said he wanted to become a pyromancer.
I told him it's much easier to woo a cake.
People ask me why I’m so nervous around trees, and I always have the same answer
“They just seem really shady.”
This is the only joke I know. Spooktober appropriate.
A cemetery caretaker is feeling ill after a long day's work and decides to head into town to get some medicine before going to bed. It is still pretty light out and the drug store is only a few miles from his house on the graveyard property, so he decides the walk might do him some good. Unfortunately, it takes him a while to gather the medicines he thinks he might need and the checkout line is longer than normal. He buys some cold medicine, some pain killers and some cough drops for the next day. When he is finally done, he heads home. It is now quite dark and a chill has set in so he is not in the best of spirits. When he makes it back to the graveyard, a cloud passes in front of the moon. Luckily he knows the graveyard well and can navigate it without a problem. It's quiet and he hears a noise behind him. thump thump thump He looks around but can't see anything in the dark. He quickens his pace. He hears the sound again, but louder. THUMP THUMP THUMP He is genuinely frightened now and starts to run. The sound grows louder still. THUMP THUMP THUMP As he's running, he glances back and the moon emerges from behind the clouds. To his horror, he sees a coffin, standing on end, bounding towards him. THUMP THUMP THUMP He breaks into a sprint and slams the gate to his yard shut as he passes by. The coffin breaks through the gate, unhindered. THUMP THUMP THUMP He slams the door to his house and frantically locks it. The coffin breaks down the door. THUMP THUMP THUMP He scrambles to the end of the room and knocks a table over to block it's path. The coffin breaks through the table. THUMP THUMP THUMP He cowers against the wall, sure that his fate is sealed. In a last ditch effort, he tosses the cough drops at it. And the coffin stops.
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that? His father replied, Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."